Friday, 27 November 2009

A High Class Call Girl Is Announced

This week I have decided to become a 'high class call girl' since it seems to be all the rage and the only way to get a book deal these days. I shall be high class and I shall receive calls. Where I will deviate is on my USP (unique selling point). Namely, I shall be far too high class to remove any clothing.

However if my client wants some expert ego stroking, a cheap life coach, an interior designer (with qualification) and an ideas person who will help him get ahead at work or even a mannerly, glory-reflecting escort to high society events, preferably of the literary persuasion, who won't undermine him by not laughing at his jokes or finding all he says scintillating, then he will find me well worth my £450 per hour. And with that sort of hourly rate this 'Belle de Bore' could afford to devote her time to looking good for him/the rest of her exclusive client base in stunning bespoke 30's art deco-inspired outfits made to her own designs.

So how about it chaps? I shall make being a Soiree Mistress the new British equivalent of the Geisha Girl. Heavens, if you ask nicely I might even make you a cup of Darjeeling in a proper English bone china tea set and toast you some muffins on a proper silver toasting fork. Now there's a personal service you won't see advertised in a telephone booth, never mind taking your library books back when they're overdue.

Incidentally I am reliably informed that there is no such thing as a 'high class call girl' in real life, merely an overpriced one.


13 comments:

Steve said...

Do you offer Earl Grey with chocolate biscuits for dunking? And will you provide the maid's uniform and the cake trolley?

garfer said...

You must excuse me, I like libraries.

And librarians, it's a shame we're running out of them.

ISBN.

Reluctant Blogger said...

How terribly sexist of you to confine yourself to a male clientele.

I have a phone phobia though so I can't see I'll ever get into call girls.

UberGrumpy said...

Sounds very nice, but at £450/hour I think I'd want more than my ego stroked.

Any chance of rates by the minute? And do you offer Nectar points?

Wisewebwoman said...

Jealousy will get you everywhere, Laura dear.
I see your entreprenurial imagination is running rampant, (but not naked, blessed be).
Methinks our Belle has exaggerated the advantages of her profession, don't you? Far too bready and rosy. In one of my incarnations, I was employed by an answering service on weekends and took incalls for an escort service and then placed outcalls to the (high-priced) working women.
Tres seedy, not much belle.
XO
WWW

Rol said...

I can't even afford £4.50 this month. It'll be low class all the way this Christmas...

The Sagittarian said...

I'm too lazy for any of that, but sounds like you could be onto something!

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Nota Bene said...

£450 an hour? Blimey. Blimey. That must be an 0845 number you're on then. Erm, I think I understood...

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The Poet Laura-eate said...

Steve, I shall offer the full smorgasbord of beverages. In frilly pinny. Have hostess trolley. Will travel.

Garfer, I am sure I can do you a discount if you wish to return your own library books.

RB - Tis only 'cos men are more easily pleased. A fellow woman would spot a shop-bought cake a mile off! ;-)

Ubergrumpy. Thanks for dropping by. You raise some valid points which I shall consider carefully. Customer feedback is important to me.

WWW - I used to work in a call centre too. Glamorously booking driving tests nationwide. Yes I think Belle de Jour has told a few porky pies about her time as a prossie. And how on earth has she kept blogging about it for 5 years or so, if she only actually tarted for one year? The maths just don't add up.

Rol, oh dear, I don't think you could even stretch to a blow-up doll for that. My commiserations.

Sagittarian - laziness is an obstacle I must admit. Am sure my wrist would get tired holding a toasting fork for more than a minute or two ;-)

Nota Bene - you are a genius! I could kiss you only it would set you back a tenner. If I have an 0845 number, I need do no more than talk to them about their afternoon tea needs and still make £450 an hour!

teeni said...

LOL! I think you are the type of person who could spin a good post out of any subject. :) Hope your holiday was a wonderful one and that the new year is good to you, Laura. Thanks for all the smiles and friendship in 2009! Hugs to you!

High Class Call Girl said...

Nice! appreciate your decision to become high class call girl. You must expand your efforts to be in demand rather than increasing your hourly rate.