Born in the Wrong Age - an Oxford Tale

I have an Oxford friend - let's call her Octavia - who although not born in Oxford, looks like the archetypal 'Oxford character' you would expect to find in an OxBridge novel - petite and birdlike with wire framed round glasses, an academic air and an eccentric taste in dress, long skirts, not quite Edwardian but not quite 20th century either, let alone 21st Century - a combination of vintage charity purchases and home sewing of silk and lace remnants.

For someone so 'in place' she has been finding herself feeling increasingly out of place, even born in the wrong age.

Her plays and novels bear this out. Octavia has penned at least half a dozen novels and numerous plays. All meticulously researched and often tackling big themes such as war yet too densely written for a modern audience, let alone pandering to the ever narrowing political correctness of current times. Nor can she boast the exotic background increasingly required for theatre competition entries that rule out a white Croydon-born spinster of a certain age.

Her successes have been modest  - a few short stories accepted by a local publishing collective and a few short plays accepted and performed by amateur groups. Her income remains eked out of parental inheritance.

As a child Octavia was highly praised and repeatedly told she would go far in life with her many talents from writing to painting, sewing, sculpture and antiques.

Now at sixty, she finds herself on the verge of a breakdown that so little has come to pass and the fears of deteriorating eyesight and contracting dementia, like her late mother, have begun to loom large.

Perhaps it has not helped that she has never known the grounding experiences of a regular job or a relationship in life. Mental health has always been fragile, all hopes and dreams pinned on becoming a literary success, much as she acknowledges that this is not an easy task for any writer these days, no matter how talented, such has the publishing world changed.

Indeed with her antidepressants precluding the day starting before lunchtime it would be hard to imagine a suitable day job for Octavia, even if she were prepared to compromise on the writing dream.

Not family (mostly died out), faith nor furry animals seem to be able to offer succor and almost 40 years after graduating from Oxford university the future renewal of her Bodleian library card (a lifeline) hangs in the balance as apparently there is a new regime seeking to crack down on those with no current link to the university.

I can imagine losing this would be the equivalent of signing a death warrant for Octavia as she spends most of her waking hours in this sanctuary, laptop and sandwiches to hand. On the plus side she has managed to avoid falling into the pit of addictions or anything other than prescribed drugs. In fact I've never seen her drink anything beyond herb teas and fruit juice.

Meantime Octavia has reached out to the local mental hospital where she was treated twenty years ago to request more CBT (the only treatment she feels she has ever truly benefited from). Regrettably they will not send anyone round to assess her until she removes her asbestos ceiling tiles (as an OCD sufferer as well, she felt obliged to warn them, even though asbestos only poses a health risk when disturbed).

However as a hoarder of silks, old books, prints and antiques it is hardly possible to enter Octavia's tiny two and a half room flat (bunk bed in the kitchen), so clearing it to remove the ceiling tiles would be an impossibility.

In truth, having such a full flat is more of a risk to Octavia's asthma owing to the mildew and dust collecting in all the unreachable corners. Asbestos is the least of her problems, and does not seem to have affected her in the 22 years she has lived there.

What Octavia could really do with (barring my previous suggestions of a lonely elderly antiques dealer with a big house in need of a late adopted daughter or celibate companion or a hoarding reality TV show) is an Oxford specialist in psychiatry who seeks a challenge - and possibly enough material in one subject to constitute a life's work!

People increasingly believe they have been born in the wrong body, but how often can they lay claim to being born in the wrong century?

Underneath all the issues, a charming young woman of voracious intelligence is waiting to be rescued, who does brighten under the lamp of human interest, whatever her protestations and self-deprecatory statements.

An Oxford Education

I moved to Oxford the week after Princess Diana was killed. I had lived in Coventry for some years but my fiancé and I had split up, the jobs were getting more and more dead-end and my late grandmother’s house, in which I was temporarily living, was about to be sold. Various friends were also moving away. 

One such friend who had already made the move said one day; ‘Why don’t you move to Oxford Laura? There’s far more going on there. There’s not much culture in Coventry.’

I couldn’t disagree. I had to move anyway, so why not move to another city?

I have never looked back. Within a week I had landed an admin job in the heart of one of Oxford’s most ancient Colleges, found a pleasant house-share with a young couple who welcomed Moggins the Mog, and begun making friends. I had always written poetry but suddenly I now had somewhere I could recite it more than once or twice a year, thus more incentive to write. The Catweazle Club became a weekly fixture on a Wednesday night. 

I joined Oxford Writer’s Group, became a founder member of Back Room Poets and started making full use of the 24-hour coaches to London to attend London’s Poetry Unplugged at the Poetry Cafe a couple of times a month, making a new set of London friends. An exciting new world called ‘performance poetry’ began to open up and I entered Cheltenham Literary Festival Slams, among others, making the semi-finals one year. I've taken part in OxFringe Festival shows for six years consecutively and enjoyed many an evening watching friends perform in their shows, operettas, jazz combo's, choirs or at Oxford Playhouse play-in-hand evenings. Hear the Word and Hammer and Tongue also came to join the local spoken word scene. Borders Bookshop formed a major hang out venue for the local literati for nearly a decade, hosting various groups and events in the evenings (though sadly I missed the infamous punch-up the philosophy group descended into one night on a moot point of principle) and remains much missed, though Blackwells has tried to fill its shoes in the city centre and other muse meccas such as Jericho's Beatnik Bookshop have sprung up.

On the romantic front, seven years of volunteering on a Saturday in St Giles’ Oxfam Bookshop failed to yield a single straight Oscar Wilde, but I made friends there too (including a retired don who was a contemporary and neighbour of CS Lewis), and learned a lot about second hand and antiquarian books. Forays into lonely hearts columns and early internet dating followed with mixed results and still no straight Oscar Wilde.

The eternal quest for affordable housing got me involved in Oxfordshire Community Land Trusts for many years and my appreciation of nice architecture, Oxford Civic Society.

I passed my driving test, took a C&G in Interior Design, studied The History of the English House, among other architectural subjects, and in my subsequent job at the ‘other university’ took an NVQ Level 3 in Customer Service, among much employment-related training. And did I mention the three years of Wednesday night dress-making classes at Cherwell Valley College? Suffice to say if two-dimensional fashions ever come into vogue, I possess some!

Every year Victorian Literature Day at Oxford University Further Education Department became a must. For around £40, one could partake of an Oxford University education taster in the adept hands of four experts in their field enthusiastically holding forth on their literary hero or heroine. Jenny Uglow was particularly superb on Elizabeth Gaskell, her soft mousy voice coming alive, her petite bright-eyed features transforming to resemble a latter-day Elizabeth Gaskell. It was similarly a real treat to see the doyen of Victorian Literature John Sutherland in full flow. I particularly love his cheat’s guides zeroing in on the most intriguing puzzles in Victorian literature in collections of essays variously entitled; ‘Is Heathcliff a Murderer?’ Can Jane Eyre Be Happy?’ and ‘Who Betrayed Elizabeth Bennett?’ Another lecturer whose name I now forget enthralled us with how HG Wells got his own back on the class system, of which his parents were servants in the pecking order, by dreaming up the morlocks coming up from underground (ie below stairs) to eat the eloi (the elite), avenging a boyhood of perpetual hunger and invisibility. It was wonderful to hear such talks with no coursework involved and no exams to be passed, just an optional pre-day reading list.

There are also stars to be seen for free if you can get away from work around 5pm and catch the tail end of late afternoon lectures. Such did I see the late Seamus Heaney and the late Beryl Bainbridge, in what may well have been her final public appearance. Armando Iannucci was elected visiting Media Professor by one College and duly delivered a four part weekly extravaganza on the history and future of TV comedy, liberally sprinkled with film clips to illustrate his points. I had the pleasure of meeting him at the free party afterwards in Green College observatory. Colin Dexter, having endorsed our Oxford Short Story books also became a regular fixture at Oxford Writer’s Group parties, regaling us with literary anecdotes. However I didn't feel shortchanged paying to see the likes of Alan Bennett fill the Sheldonian or Cleo Laine and the late Johnny Dankworth in action.

The Oxford Student Union is open to anyone with a friend to sign them in and I watched a number of entertaining debates in the debating chamber. Sometimes unlikely celebrities would turn up to give a talk or join in a debate, the most unlikely surely being the late Michael Jackson, who was apparently winched into the back of the building for security reasons, although I wasn't there that night. The Union bar is also a nice place to hang out in and pretty as the film set it often is.

In our office, I was twice visited by Nathaniel Parker as he looked for his coat whilst filming the Inspector Lynley Mysteries nearby and John Thaw was a familiar sight in the dying days of Morse, filming various bits of our college and others, Kevin Whately to follow in his footsteps. A remake of Brideshead Revisited claimed half the front quad for six weeks and I learned quite a bit about scenery, make up and setting up shots purely by facilitating their uninterrupted shooting. I also learned about gargoyle commission in my job and how no ‘old member’ likes their gargoyle to be too ugly!

Students? Well some are earnest and serious and you can understand how they got here, but plenty are not and you can’t. On the whole though, they do tend to have better manners than most redbrick university students (and I’ve worked at both).

Oxford is one of those places where there is always something extraordinary going on around the next corner (such as a church service on the St Giles Fair carousel) however well you feel you know it.

The only fly in the ointment is the developers’ determination to wreak the architectural destruction that Hitler failed to, having decided the city was too precious to unleash bombs on, only now in the name of profit, rather than invasion. Even the city’s historic Covered Market is perpetually under threat as a prime supermarket ‘site’. The city’s status as a ‘World Heritage Site’ seemingly affords it no protection from monstrosities such as the new Somerville College development (not what tourists board Oxford tour buses to see). As for accusations of ‘Disneyfication’, if only.  At least that would be more picturesque and demonstrate some aesthetic appreciation and respect for the city. Notwithstanding, an early member of Oxford Civic Society savoured the victory of preventing a road from being built slap bang through the middle of Christchurch Meadow in the 1950s when the architectural love affair with brutalism was in full swing. Recent members have not been so lucky in preventing the ruin of Port Meadow further out with yet more ugly student blocks despoiling the Oxford skyline (despite student blocks now being at saturation point).

The other sadness about Oxford is that whilst the snob factor may have softened over the years, it has been at the expense of the invasion of corporatism. If you are advertising an event these days for example, you will seldom find a friendly neighbourhood cafe or shop willing to let you put a poster up, not even the local tourist information, who have dispensed with their ‘What’s On’ board and insidiously re-branded themselves ‘Visit Oxford’. I would venture to suggest there is little more sense of community in the city centre these days than there was when town and gown tensions were at their height. Now mass (year round) tourism has come to join town and gown, regarded as a blessing by some and a nuisance by others, largely because the majority surging along the narrow pavements at the peril of unwary denizens are day trippers who don't stay long enough to contribute to the local economy in any meaningful way. Not that the facilities in Oxford exactly welcome them. The public toilets alone must be among the worst in Britain and there is no proper coach park or meeting point for them either.  The Ashmolean Museum and the Oxford Museum have both been hollowed out and turned into soulless white boxes for wine tasting evenings with gift shops attached, despite the existence of MAO (Modern Art Oxford), created specifically for the purpose.

Every day continues to be an Oxford education... 

As for that straight Oscar Wilde, he never did materialise, but would I suspect, have been far too much of a narcissist to notice little me, so I am far from disappointed that fate finally stepped in with an eminently more suitable suitor.

Nanford Guest House - Britain's Worst Hotel used by Child Sex Ring

News that Nanford Guest House on Oxford's Iffley Road was a frequent venue for the 'Bullfinch' child sex ring, currently being sentenced, brought to mind that this same local guest house was also voted Britain's worst hotel by TripAdvisor in 2008, prompting various national journalists to book an overnight stay and write newspaper articles confirming how awful it was, one reporting that she had been awoken by what sounded like a body being dragged down the stairs at around 2am. She had wedged her door shut with an old fridge as the lock was dodgy and cowered under the covers for the remainder of the night.

Yet, if she truly suspected a body was being dragged down the stairs, why did she not phone the Police? It seems strange noises, dodgy characters, death traps and environmental health issues (including a resident's lounge smelling of urine) abounded back in 2008, yet no one apparently saw fit to call either the Police or the  local Environmental Health department to have the place investigated. Why not? What does it take before a supposedly intelligent  individual suspects that something very wrong is going on, possibly criminal? Not least a trained newshound ever in want of the next big scoop?

More than one Trip Advisor review advised 'Do not stay here alone' and not to stay at all unless you were desperate for accommodation.

The sex ring had been operating since 2004, four years before the Nanford won the accolade of Britain's Worst Hotel. There is more to this than meets the eye is my feeling about it.

Update 15/05/13: According to today's Oxford Mail, the emergency services tape of a rape being reported at the Nanford by a guest in the next room actually dates back to 2006, which potentially means the gang could have been caught seven years ago! Which begs the question, what have the Police been doing all this time? Did they really decide to bury their hands in the sand about investigating what was going on?

Exercising Democracy

On Saturday I joined several hundred of my fellow Oxford citizens in a march to save our libraries, our youth clubs, our swimming pools, our public toilets and our disabled and elderly services.

It felt like an important place to be.

Being Oxford, it was more a saunter than a march and a samba band and a jazz band kept the atmosphere light as did the presence of many teenagers, toddlers and 'mutts against the cuts'. Police presence seemed to consist of two on foot with an accompanying Police van, and apart from a bit of traffic stopping, we gave them little to do and certainly no 'kettling' to get their teeth into, though one took lots of photographs of us with a long lens camera when we reached Bonn Square. If anything they should have joined us though, being as 10,000 Police countrywide are also for the chop!

It was highly emotional, if not highly-charged. There is nothing quite like being part of a throng embodying the true sense of community and human solidarity to bring a lump to the throat. Few better examples of humanity at its best.

As we passed by the old Queens College study window of Jeremy Bentham in The High chanting 'They say cut-back, we say fight-back!', I wondered what Mr Bentham would have made of these regressive times - these times which threaten to reverse every civil and democratic advance he ever advocated and so many others subsequently fought and occasionally died for.

My thoughts were interrupted by a young Chinese tourist stopping me to put his arm round my shoulders whilst his friend took a photograph of us sharing my placard bearing the legend 'Don't Let Councillors Cook The Books!'

He disappeared again as I wondered what sort of holiday snap he had intended and what he was going to tell his folks back home about these strange Oxford people trying to save their basic services.

Perhaps they would have a good laugh that we are evidently on the road to becoming a third world country while China's economy is on the up!

Confessions of a Failed Hippy

Every Christmas sees Oxford Town Hall host a Green Fair, an affair which is part joy, part ordeal, but always compulsive to me. Seeing the stalls on whale, planet and human saving in the smaller halls manned by those gaunt earnest atheist and Quaker faces I know so well, I feel at home and yet also a stranger.
Growing up, this was my world and yet here I am now estranged from it. I want to support all this goodness and worthiness and be a better Pedestrian or Agricprop yet feel suspicious as to how accurate and impartial the information on planetary abuses is provided by each stall, though why I should feel suspicious of small concerns who stand to make little or no money out of their views opposing the activities of (usually) global corporations making pots of the stuff perturbs me. Why should the stallholders' agenda be any more sinister? If they had no agenda, perhaps they wouldn't be there, wouldn't care. But are they there because they truly care about these things or because they need a cause?
Are there so many Atheists and Humanists into Veganism because they do not believe in God/the afterlife and therefore seek to live as long as possible through enhanced nutrition? Why are they almost messianic about wishing to convert others? Why have I never been able to contemplate dating one, despite sharing so many concerns about health, animal and planetary welfare?
Disturbing thoughts swirl around my head. Like women's rights meaning there's an unspoken edict you have to believe in the whole package including abortion-on-demand, there is an overriding sense that an alternative or 'thinking' person has to buy into the whole ideological package if they are not to compromise their moral integrity - you can't simply eat the lentils and let the Whales die or be a car owner who happens to cycle a bit. It's all or nothing. A total inner climate change.
One minute I am overwhelmed by a wave of goodness and the tie dye-clad beatniks of East Oxford out in force and the next I find myself a tad breathless and queasy. In the main hall, my impulse is to buy the rough-hewn handicrafts because I'm supporting something good, but the design snob side of my brain quickly cuts in with a 'No, those misshapen bowls are overpriced, poorly made and of no use to man or beast!', refusing to let me buy anything which is not (in William Morris's words) both 'useful and beautiful.'
I feel like a strange hybrid trapped between two worlds, the ideological and the conventional. It was a lifelong ambition to be normal and break away from the hair shirt childhood of constant ridicule where chocolate was a once-a-year Easter treat and Vegan parents sent rambling angst-ridden letters to Vegan Views asking what should they do about their son or daughter's school egg and spoon race, as REAL eggs were being proposed and the school would not countenance substitutes, but now I'm in my childhood dream position of being able to eat marshmallows (and even eggs) for breakfast, lunch and dinner, they've somehow lost their appeal.
Then again my parents were a strange mix of 50s conservatism and hippyish ideals, particularly the veganism and atheism, but minus the drugs and sleeping around, and even in my father's case - the kaftan or flares - he's always worn a suit all his life, rain, shine, and holiday alike. My mother went to India to find herself in the mid-60s and wore a Shalwar Kameez to marry my father before promptly packing all hint of exoticism in a studded blanket box.
I espy 'Spinning Jenny' on the corner stall sporting unbleached cotton harem pants and hand-beaded top selling her expensive Indian rugs for which she makes half a dozen trips a year to India, and spends the rest of her weekends driving around the country in a transit to hold stalls at various Green Fairs where her unfettered twin daughters run amok in their more-practical tumble wear patchwork outfits.
I smile in my evilly-dyed normal clothes, wondering how I would come out in an audit of who actually lived the lowest carbon-impact life, taking into account that I was raised a Vegan from birth, am child-free. inhabit low-impact housing, wear my clothes until irrepairable, seldom fly and didn't drive until 33.
Ultimately though, perhaps the moral unrest the yearly Green Fair wreaks on my soul has a simpler explanation, guilt. I could do MORE to save my fellow citizens and planet, as oppose to just finding more excuses not to, I could try harder not to betray my roots, I could try harder to like Fairtrade chocolate.

And at least idealism is more fashionable and comfortable now.

The smugness would surely be worth it.

Why We Had To Kill Gyles Brandreth

The short story reproduced below was inspired by British TV celebrity Gyles Brandreth publicly declaring that the English language and its literature should be simplified, suggesting that we take our cues from txt spk. Mr Brandreth also studied at Oxford, so it seemed a fitting place for him to meet his literary nemesis.

Why We Had To Kill Gyles Brandreth

Dear Mother & Step-Rather

I trust this missive finds you both well. And Patches too. Is his tail still outrunning him?
Silly hound. How I miss his stupid face and lopsided run. I wish we were allowed pets. On the plus side you will be glad to hear I am progressing well on the Masters front. Might even finish with time to spare and do something else next term. A little C&G in something useful for the real world perhaps. English Lit only begets English Lit teachers and the odd impoverished writer as we all know. Of course this place has its temptations, but they don't tempt me. Curry night in Hall on Fridays is about the high spot of my week. No honestly. You don't want to believe everything you hear. You must stop worrying about me, both of you. I'm a big boy now and you must know I am not into being a party animal. Nor do I watch copious quantities of SkySport – decidedly lacking in chess. But it’s a rum enough place as long as you keep your nose clean. I joined the Book Club last week, though naturally I am the most sophisticated one there by a mile. I can’t believe anyone still thinks Dan Brown is good. I would say they must need lobotomising, if they hadn’t already been! ; - ) But I might be able to do something with them I suppose. Thanks a mill for the extra thermals by the way. It does get somewhat parky in these old buildings at nights, despite the radiators on at full blast. I know. Why don’t I ask for the latest iPod just like any other son? As if your other sons aren’t expensive enough. Mind you I suppose it’s true to say I’ve cost you a fair bit in other ways.
I wish for your sakes I could say that I didn’t mean to kill Gyles Brandreth. But for what it’s worth my agent says the after dinner speaking engagements are stacking up for when I get out. I’ve even got a six-figure book deal would you believe? Apparently a murderer who can string more than a marketable sentence together, never mind wield a best-selling pen without a ghost writer in sight is a real rarity. They are hoping to explore the inner recesses of my murderer’s mind like few others.
Perhaps I will tell them I did it for Rag Week - that will shut them up!
Actually we did it, myself and three keenest co-conspirators from my Facebook Group 'Banish Gyles Brandreth' for Queen and country. Or rather the Queen's English and the good of the country. A country which is now rewarding me it seems, cursory obligatory sentence notwithstanding. Even less if I can convince the shrink I don't pose a danger to other celebrities, though it's hard to promise anything on the Alan Titchmarsh front (sorry Mother). And Matt is quite keen to see the back of Graham Norton when he gets out according to his sister. Chloe's always been sweet on me and confided the other day in the visiting room that she thought the BBC might be saved if only it weren't for Jonathan Ross. I told her no. It's almost as if Gyles Brandreth has given them a taste for blood and now they want more.
It was all meant to be so innocent - an invitation to a Teddy Bear's picnic on the Parson's Pleasure preceded by a short punt from the Cherwell boathouse, conversation and Pimms flowing. Once there, we knew he would make a beeline for the 1937 Steiff bear and sniff its head which would be saturated with chloroform (snuck from Matt's laboratory). Then it would be a simple matter of putting him over the side of the bank and letting nature take its course. Quite romantic. Pre-Raphaelite you might say, but for his want of flowing locks.
Then we realised that Teddy bears alone probably wouldn't be enough to lure him up to Oxford and put his name forward to the Oxford Union to head the motion 'Why Spelling Doesn't Matter Anymore' against Professor Maurice Holbrook's English Laboratory lot with dinner in his old college New College, beforehand. I don't mind admitting my fingernails were quickly bitten down to the cuticles. Worse still, Mr Brandreth was utterly charming at dinner, to the point I almost lose my nerve. It was only all the celebrity namedropping that galvanised my resolve.
As I suspected he used his habit to good effect, convincing the chamber that the likes of the late Willy Rushton, John Wells and Ted Hughes agreed with him that there were far too many words with confusing spelling, pronunciation and nuance, many of them superfluous to requirements, therefore the entire English language should be overhauled and streamlined, and mobile phone texting was leading the way in this regard.
'Esperanto!' heckled a wag from the floor.
'Thanks, but I've got an Expresso' retorted Gyles smartly.
When the general snorting had subsided, Professor Holbrook countered that it was outrageous to suggest that England should simplify its language when other countries such as France, Italy and Spain to name a few, seemed perfectly content to confuse us with theirs without compromise and where was our national pride?
'I suggest you ask Margaret Thatcher about that.' replied Gyles, ‘since for better or worse she instigated the rise of the 'me first' individual and thus, the self-expression of the 'me first' individual. I am proposing we regain some national pride by leading the way in language matters.'
'Or look complete nincompoops when no one follows our lead and we are left with chav text speak in lieu of our once rich linguistic and literary heritage.' retorted Professor Holbrook.
'Hear hear!' I scarcely restrained myself from shouting.
It was such an evenly-matched debate I was on the edge of my seat throughout, not least as we were unlucky enough to have a fairly tipsy and easily-swayed (in more ways than one) crowd in that evening.
Suffice to say that the English Language won by a margin rather than the landslide I had hoped for as the Nays passed through to be counted. Little did Mr Brandreth know that the hanging jury had already ruled. Afterwards we insincerely offered Mr Brandreth our profuse commiserations.
He then enjoyed a private drink in the President's room, regaling him no doubt with accounts of the good old days when he himself served as President and showing him the panelling wherein he had etched his name and the window out of which he had pissed into the rose bushes beneath, unwittingly soaking two homosexuals as they illegally canoodled in the mid 60s, one of them Nick's father (long story).
Nick, Matt, Richard and I ostensibly returned to my base, St John's College, but in reality around the block. Once we had ambled past enough CCTV cameras to convince we really had gone home, we put up our hoods for the final leg and chose our doorway to lie in wait. How splendid we all agreed it would have been to have a Brandreth burning in the Broad in the style of Bishops Latimer, Ridley and Cranmer, tied to a stake and surrounded by all the books he'd ever written. Regrettably Oxford's streets were not as quiet as they once were and Oxford's shops no longer the mass producers of surfeit cardboard box kindling of old.
Two hours we waited. The skies began to drizzle. Was the man going to gas on all night? Highly likely since he had once tied with Nicholas Parsons on a 12½ hour continuous public speaking World Record breaker.
No risk of lock outs these days anyway. With 24 hour porterage, Mr Brandreth could get back into New College and his Fellow's Guest Room any time he wanted. Not that he would have need of such a facility after we had finished with him. Finally at 2.30am with the Union now in virtual darkness, Mr Brandreth emerged, escorted to the front gate by the President who pressed a complimentary Union umbrella into his hand. We donned our Scriptum Viennese ball masks and as soon as the President was out of earshot we pounced, throwing Richard's extra cloak over Mr Brandreth's head.
'Aaaaargh!' was his muffled response before he bit the nearest thing to hand, Richard's forearm through the fabric as Richard held the cloak around his neck.
'Aaaaaaargh!' was Richard's rather less muffled response.
'Ssssshhhh Richard!' hissed Nick. Just get on with it. Remind me why we didn't use chloroform again?'
'Well you can't kill someone without telling them why they have to die. It's the least they deserve.'
'Yes, it's the least I deserve.' nodded the cloak as vigorously as it could under the circumstances.
Despite our Literary pretensions (and in some cases degrees), we were all addicts to re-runs of the Saint and any Bond film going (a separate Facebook group) and could only nod in silent acquiescence, despite the dangers inherent in a conscious Gyles Brandreth.
'Righty ho. I'll tell him', I said, anxious to get the business over. 'Mr Brandreth, despite losing tonight's debate on your motion effectively proposing the deliberately engineered dismantling of the English language and ultimately, its literature, we feel that such heresy deserves underlining in red ink to truly make the point. We further believe that this can only be achieved by your deliberately engineered demise for the benefit of those who don't listen to debates, but enjoy reading about murders in the Daily Mail. As well as being a strike for our language and heritage, it will also serve as a strike against celebrity culture and pedestrian murder, for we intend to be creative about it.'
'What a brilliant concept' opined the cloak. 'How will you kill me?'
After a stunned silence, I replied 'Well we considered a number of ways Mr Brandreth but we finally settled on the kidnap, the stabbing through the heart with a 19th century dipping pen nib in parody of the pen being mightier than the sword and the replacement of your blood with Quink's finest in lieu of embalming fluid. We were then going to leave you on the steps of Oxford University Press as a horrible warning.'
'Immortality gentlemen. How can I ever thank you?'
'What?' at least two of us spluttered.
'Well you profess to hate me, yet here you are offering me the career move of my life. All my out-of-print books would be back on the shelves within a month and my obituaries at least five column inches wide. In fact my demise could run and run.'
We were so shocked we lost sufficient grip on the cloak for Mr Brandreth to wriggle free.
He stood before us dishevelled in penguin suit with his bow tie undone, but defiant, despite a nosebleed. 'Yes I suppose I am vainglorious and insufferably smug. All that and I read minds too.' he said as if he could divine our crestfallen faces beneath the masks. 'I also laugh at death, along with the obituaries of my friends.'
'We had one ready for you in reduced English Literature for the Oxford Student newspaper' I offered.
'Oh yes…?' He asked, smiling now.
'It said 'Gyles Brandreth Woz Here 1948 - 2009'
He laughed, open merriment in his eyes. 'Suppose I told you all this dumbing down was Nicholas Parsons' idea and I nicked it. You've got the wrong man you know!'
'We wouldn't believe you' I said, feeling humiliated.
He grew more serious 'Well your faces might be obscured but I can see you are all young men on the rise, anxious to make your mark. Me too. From the opposite end of the spectrum. I was a young man who made my mark (admittedly with the luck of the devil, notwithstanding hard work with a following wind) and now I am anxious that my mark should survive me. Deal gentlemen?'
'Www what do you mean?' asked the first of us to be able to speak, Matt.
'What say you carry on with your plan to kidnap me but instead drive me to an isolated holiday home where I can camp out incommunicado for six months, safe in the knowledge that no one will visit until at least April. If one of you gives me his credit card I can have all my groceries delivered online. Not only will faking my death give me the publicity boost I need to take me to the end of my life and beyond but enough peace and quiet for six months to finally knock out that saga that's been taking up headroom for so long.'
'How did you know my family had a pad?' asked Nick
'A calculated guess old fellow. One of you was bound to have a scarcely-used second home in the family.'
'And what about us. What do we get out of it?'
'The realisation that you don't have to kill your least favourite celebrity to become famous. And an easier conscience.'
'I for one must admit I didn't really want to kill him.' whispered Richard into my ear.
'Naturally you could still get into hot water' warned Mr Brandreth. 'Sent down twice as it were, once from Oxford and thence to prison.'
'I suppose it won't get any harder to find a job afterwards than it is after here in the current climate' mused Nick. 'And we could finish our degrees for free.'
'We have a deal then I take it?' proffered Mr Brandreth.
No one took his hand so I made an executive decision and took it, shaking it firmly.
'Now let me put that cloak back on, lend me a mask and we will masquerade as party goers wending their drunken way homewards. Presumably one of you has wheels…?' Matt being the eldest lived in a small terrace off Botley Road complete with that holy grail, a resident's parking permit for his Alfa 156. The coast being housemate-clear, we had a quick pee and tea break at the house before setting off for Sidmouth. Mr Brandreth was in high spirits for someone contemplating his own end and regaled us with stories of four decades of social climbing derring do, opining that 'the cheek shall inherit the earth my boys, that other adjective was just a Pythonesque mishearing on the Mount' to the extent that entertained as I was, I was ready to stop in Axminster to find a piece of carpet to wrap him in. And however much I began to warm to him, my large dipping pen nib remained immovably poised against his back and ready to pierce his heart should he try anything. I began to regret the dutch courage I had earlier imbibed on an empty stomach in the form of Balkan vodka shots, which made me feel nauseous and paranoid by turns.
As it transpired, it was a heroin addict in a speeding car who did for Mr Brandreth. The punk came out of nowhere flying over the inky hills in his beamer at well over the 40mph limit, smack bang into the back of us lurking in the dip of a hill. We four escaped with whiplash and cuts, but poor Mr Brandreth was inadvertently slain by the dipping pen nib, as I was thrown against him. 'Identical to Byron's best pen. I chose it especially.' I whispered comfortingly as he gasped his last and I peed myself.
'Tell it to the judge' said Richard as we foolishly fled the scene, inspired by the heroin addict who had already gone, having divested his spare tyre of its stash of gear. Needless to say I did. Frankly I got the distinct impression I was not believed. So here I am dear parents, hoisted by my own petard, as Shakespeare would have it.
But you are wrong in saying I have let you down. You will dine out on this for the rest of your lives. As indeed will I.

Do visit soon.

Your etc son

Brett

©LS King 2009

The Ghost Of Borders Past

Don't forget folks - only one Christmas day left until shopping days again!
Will you survive?

Only don't expect to find next year's Yoga For Cats calendar in your local Borders store as Borders (UK) is no more.

Innovative calendars were not the only thing Borders brought to these shores. I well remember the time about 10 years ago when my-then boyfriend telephoned to say he'd seen these amazing new bookshops on a business trip to Canada where you could drink a cup of coffee whilst reading the merchandise. 'But what if you bend the covers or spill coffee on them?' I asked incredulously. 'And how do they make a profit if no one buys the books?' My boyfriend did not know the answers but said the bookshops also seemed to host events and be open long after other stores had shut.

You could have knocked me down with a feather when a year or two later the first Borders appeared in Oxford Street, quickly followed by branches in every major city.

When Oxford Borders first opened, it couldn't have been more welcoming. A huge range of bookcases right at the front heaved with novels and books by local authors who were promoted to the hilt with generous reviews from the staff. Author events abounded. All sorts of arty and booky groups were invited to form and host nightly meetings in the shop, plied with complimentary coffee. Myself and Back Room Poets had a monthly open mic in the Sports Section. The coffee shop was staffed by staff who did not seem to know how any of the machines worked but were unfailingly smiley and friendly even if it did take 20 minutes to get a cappuccino. It was great to have somewhere to go in the evenings that was not a pub or a club and while I worried at first about the effect of this newcomer on local bookshops, in actual fact the slant of Borders stock was more Stateside and did not cross over as much as one might imagine with the likes of Blackwells. In addition it also did audio, DVD, stationery, magazines and a coffee shop. Rather than putting other bookshops out of business it encouraged them to raise their game by providing coffee shops and customer loos, hosting events and generally moving with the times. People queued out into the street when Michael Palin came to promote his latest book. The nearby Sheldonian Theatre was hired and filled for a state visit from Jane Fonda!

As time went on however, Borders became a little less friendly and more corporate. A pointless makeover resulted in cheaper and more supermarkety-looking bookshelves, ghastly lighting, a worse events area, where an improved one had been promised, locks on the customer loos, a Starbucks franchise in the once-endearingly inefficient cafe. Various discussion groups began disbanding, a hostile anti-poetry manager put paid to our monthly Open mics, lack of continuity among the shift-worker staff, none of whom seemed to stay long became painfully apparent - rumour had it the staff weren't treated very well. And if you ordered a book you would never ever receive it! All interest in promoting local authors seemed to fall by the wayside, even though their books might be doing well in rival bookshops.

Finally the closing scenes above on Tuesday where everything was discounted by 90% and even the fittings were for sale. An obscenely cheerful woman (the liquidator?) urged customers over the intercom to 'buy as many books as possible so that we can all go home' However biographies of Nicole Kidman and Michael Douglas alongside the dregs of the chic lit section did not appeal, even for 10% of cost price. The security guard stepped forward as if to stop me taking pictures, then shrugged as if to say 'What's the point?' Erotica was the last section to be discounted by 90%.

However for all its shortcomings, such as encouraging a more supermarket-approach to book buying, I shall miss Borders as a hang-out place, even if I was seldom inspired to buy very much for various reasons. It was a good idea which should have worked and did at first, so something went badly awry.

Last Christmas Woolworths and Zavvi, this Christmas Borders - what next to disappear from our High Streets?

Slow Down Unless You're A Banker (in which case honk!)

Last week saw the start of a new half-cocked (undemocratically elected) scheme to grind Oxford's traffic to a fume-farting halt by imposing a 20 mph speed limit on various sections of the city centre and residential streets.
Now narrow residential streets with cars parked on both sides with their multitude of hazards such as possible small boys running across the road in-between parked cars I understand, but MAIN roads which already have a plethora of crossings, traffic islands, lights and speed cameras to slow the motorist down? Where is the logic in reducing these to 20?
It feels as if we sensible drivers (and whatever my green sympathies, I am required to drive around the city quite a lot as part of my new job) are being penalised for the drink and drug-addled minority who commit the moronic acts such as cutting up or overtaking on a 30mph stretch and swinging out of corners at high speed minus signals - offences they continue to commit if not more so under the new more-restrictive regime, surprise surprise. Now if the REAL dangerous drivers such as these, not forgetting the latest breed who TWEET about how clever and badass they are to post to Twitter whilst driving faced stiffer penalties such as losing their licence for 10 years if caught, rather than a slap on the wrist, a life ban if they killed or mained anyone, THAT would be be more sensible and effective than this ridiculous money squandering scheme where it is 30 miles an hour one minute and 20 the next with no particular rhyme or reason attached to which section of road is which, bar the obvious side streets. And don't get me started on dangerous cyclists or lemming pedestrians who seem to rate listening to their iPods above looking before they pull out or cross! Don't they deserve a penalty or two? Or doesn't the Highway Code apply to them?
Cars are not going to go away after all. Though perhaps they might be drastically reduced at least if truly radical schemes such as the reintroduction of trams or the provision of continuous cycle lanes were considered, so what is the point of deliberately creating obstacles for cars, thereby promoting the mass pollution of idling engines?

Meanwhile on Radio 4's Today programme this week, a city finance chief was challenged about the fact that huge bonuses continue to be paid to bankers, despite the recession, and performance regardless - even in the cases where banks have been bailed out by the government via our taxpayer's money to stay afloat.

His reply was that they had to continue to pay large bonuses as our banking talent would otherwise be lost abroad.

What a brilliant strategical tactic, I thought! Kill the bonuses so they go abroad and destabilise somone else's economy with foolish risk taking whilst our own country has a chance to recover and fight back.

And do they leave us any alternative when no financial institution will seemingly hear of bonuses being performance-related, or at the very least, paid after tax, and after profit margins have been factored in? It now even emerges that a handful of cheeky bankers are suing for not receiving the obscene bonuses they expected.

Let Them Eat Leaves

The Hungry Caterpillar

Fourteen days from larvae to caterpillar
Then I ate and I ate 'til I was a fatterpillar
I ate and I ate 'til I began to pupate
Becoming a butterfly would be worth the wait
Not to mention save a fortune in fur and Jimmy Choos
I was ready for my time in the sun, ready to hit the news
But first, I was trapped in a chrysalis!
Waiting for my supermodel miracle catalyst
Suppose my shell refused to shed
Suppose a sparrow ate me for a mcsnack instead
Or I became a mutant ninja caterpillar with a caterpillar track
How could I take the cat(erpillar) walk by storm with that?
Luckily I emerged and my wings unfurled to reveal…a Red Admirable
The Royalty of the flutterby world
So it's rose petal red carpets all the way
Heading the butterfly parade at the break of each day
The sweetest nectar, the most potent pollen
I almost binged 'til I was swollen
Before remembering I was the supermodel of stick-insect kind
And snorting sherbet instead.

©LS King 2009

This was my contribution to an open air reading with Back Room Poets in Oxford's Botanic Gardens today on the theme of The Hungry Caterpillar. As you can see I am a poet in crysalis. Who knows what I will hatch into. If only I hadn't ate all that cake instead of boring leaves...

Pride and Progress

This is Caversham Court in Reading, a former Rectory to nearby St Peter's Church and one of the second grandest houses in the Parish dating back to the early 1800s.

In 1933 it was razed to the ground by Reading Council to make way for a road which was never built.

Thanks to the tireless endeavours of several local citizen's action groups and charities, Caversham Court is now somewhat redeemed as a newly-restored riverside public park, and you can walk around the outline of where the grand house used to stand.

















Below is
Christchurch Meadow in Oxford, surely one of the most stunning vistas to be found in England and the stuff of Brideshead Revisited with the rivers Thames (aka Isis) and Cherwell bordering two sides of it and Oxford Colleges, the third, not to mention the Botanic Gardens invading a corner, and steeped in about as much history as it's possible to find, including early balloon landings and mediaeval settlements. In the 1950s a city councillor thought it would be a great idea to build a road straight through it. Luckily he didn't get away with it as doughty Oxford citizens fought back.

Makes you wonder what we have lost elsewhere though. What other country is as short-sighted as England so often is about carving up its towns and cities in the name of 'Progress' (but more often mere sacrifice to the greater glory of the combustion engine and its continued sales and movement). And I speak as the possessor of a driving licence who happily uses alternative transport wherever it exists.

Artistic Yearnings

I have always wished I could paint but it is amazing the effects you can get with a cheap out-of-focus digital camera. This was Port Meadow in Oxford this morning doing a good job of pretending to be 1909.





















Don't you just love the way the animals are all lined up like those Britains plastic farm animals?




















You never know. This could be a latter-day Haywain. Which reminds me I must get back to penning my forthcoming best-seller 'The Constable Code' solving the mystery of why so many thousands of people bought that print to hang above the mantelpiece on their living room walls. I am sure there must be some complicated mathematical equation behind it all. Not to mention Opus Dei.





A strange bird I found in my garden. I think it might be related to the Magpie family.






I haven't been able to afford a holiday this year, but these are some snaps I took on a weekend in Brighton for a family reunion in May to celebrate my mother's 70th.

Stay in Oxford and See the World!

Well it's that time of the year where you can hardly move for the tourist melee in the centre of Oxford.

Each year it becomes more of a battle to negotiate the narrow mediaeval pavements with large tourist groups steaming along or stopping en mass suddenly in front of you and spilling out onto the road, seemingly oblivious to the buses thundering towards them down The High. TEFL students are particularly lemming-like and street unwise and I am amazed we do not see more serious injuries and fatalities to mar their overseas trips as they walk both in the road and across the road without looking.

Now don't get me wrong - Oxford is very definitely a special place that ought to be shared and many of our foreign visitors are charming and lovely, (not to mention much needed economically). However I can't help wishing there were some means by which they could be taught a bit of road sense and general cultural etiquette before disembarking from coaches and being let loose by language schools. Walking along in an orderly 'crocodile' of not more than 2-3 abreast with one chaperone per 20, particularly for our younger visitors would be a great start, short of pedestrian lights, mirrors and indicators! And some cultural pointers such as 'How to queue', when to say 'Please' and 'Thank you' and how not to talk at the top of their voices all the time, bounce balls off shop windows and to turn their mobiles off in libraries and museums would also greatly enhance their experience of Oxford and Oxford's experience of them.

Though of course it is hard to instill British cultural values into visitors when they are bound to observe our own locals showing complete disrespect/disregard/ignorance of same!

Narrow streets aside, Oxford does suffer some serious drawbacks in catering for such large groups of people, no matter that it should be a past master at such.

1. Very few restaurants/cafes/pubs are equipped to cope with groups of more than 10 without prior booking so you invariably see groups of aimless and disappointed overseas visitors traipsing from one to another in the evenings trying to find a space where they can all sit, eat and share their day together.
2. There is no decent large open space in the city centre where they can be dropped off by coaches to mill around and wait for tour guides with plenty of seats, loos and other useful facilities.
3. There is no left luggage facility for the day visitor (which I find extraordinary, considering at least 50% of visitors are day visitors).
4. Our public toilets (bar those in the Town Hall only open when the Town Hall is) are squalid and a disgrace for a city of international repute.

So many international cities have addressed these basics, I shudder to think what visitors must make of Oxford. And don't get me started on the hideous architecture they have to behold in the midst of the beautiful dreaming spire stuff they have really come to see. And to think Hitler purposefully didn't bomb Oxford in WWII as he loved historic buildings so much. Sadly our 1960/70s planners proved far more ruthless in this regard.

Whatever the disadvantages of so much life teeming through our streets every summer though, tourists certainly bring vibrancy, buzz and colour to the city and I doubt we would have two fabulous 24 hr coach London services and exotic eateries springing up all over the place were it were not for their influence.

When asked about my own travels, I often reply; 'well there's really no need to, sooner or later the world comes to Oxford to save me the job!' And I do have a pet theory that at least 80% of the world's population-with-passports will probably pass through this cosmopolitan mecca at some point in their lives.

Some people take the fear that other cultures might 'take over' a little too far though...

Nearest Fabric Shop Nine Miles Away

Going to buy a new zip for a pair of jeans this week, I was shocked to find Oxford's only remaining fabric and haberdashery shop had closed down owing to rent increases (according to the sign on the door) after many years of apparently successful trading. Even more surprising in that King's occupied some pretty unprepossessing upstairs premises which you could hardly imagine would command either enormous rent hikes or rival businesses vying for.

This is not the only independent trader to disappear from the Oxford street scene lately after many years, and I can't help wondering why there aren't blanket rent and rate freezes in this recession, as how can it more advantageous to end up with empty units and buildings generating no income at all and causing gaps in the street scene like missing teeth, than landlords supporting tenants through these tricky times? Is it not bad enough that the banks have pretty well frozen loan support to small businesses, without the government and local councils joining in the kicking?

Take Oxford's historic Covered Market for example. Despite being a prime tourist attraction for decades, it has also been under threat for years through exhorbitant rents imposed on the tenants, rents out of all proportion to inflation, and sometimes sadly, to takings.

But it's the Covered Market. What else could go there? What would the vision be for it if all the tenants were forced out?

Then there's the obvious knock-on effect that the more businesses which fail, the greater the number of unemployed, which surely helps no one, least of all the government and economy. And with the demise of our once proud manufacturing base and the much publicised brain drain, if we Brits are now reduced to a nation of shopkeepers and shoppers, support for commerce is needed now more than ever, or what is left?

It seems like a vicious circle. At least in the US, some of the greedy bankers have come forward and apologised for their short-termism and even given their bonuses back. What public atonement and restitution have we seen from any of ours yet, let alone an emergency government economic rescue plan, except for bailing out a few of our more foolhardy, bad bet banks?








Perhaps as one innovative trader has it, the problem with this country is footwear.










Or perhaps we will have to resort to this solution to restore the economy if supply of employees is outstripping demand.



Incidentally I found out why it was a bad idea of Mr Brown's to print more money the other day when a homeless man joked '£30 for a cup of tea, miss?'

A Sprinkling of Spring

(TO RE-ACTIVATE SLIDESHOW, PLEASE CLICK ON POST TITLE)

Economy, Exercise & Literature

'Mummy, why don't they print more money so that there's no poor people?' was a question oft-asked in my tenderest years. And while I watched a mother scarcely more conversant in the mysterious ways of economics than my six year old self struggle to explain why this was not possible and would throw the whole banking world out of kilter, I experienced an odd sort of satisfaction that she had no satisfactory answer, therefore I was onto something. This week I know for sure that I was - they are actually doing it! Let's Print More Money (if only to bail out the economy itself rather than the actual poor).
My mother answered my other most often-asked question, prompted by a 'If you lived in the Third Word, you'd be glad of that' regarding my uneaten greens upon the plate and my generous offer of 'Why don't we send them to them then?' with an eloquent clip round the ear.

Every so often it crosses my mind that I would like to get fit before the body of a gazelle I have always enjoyed and taken for granted shape-shifts into more of a moose. Normally I deal with this idea by having a little lie down until the idea goes away again as I am just not a self-starter on the exercise front, and in the absence of a daily presence in my life to nag/egg me on, I do find it inordinately hard. However you will be pleased to hear I have made a bit of a start and clicked the mouse button two whole times to discover the following dizzying array of local exercise classes available during the coming week via our wonderful local website - every town should have one - Daily Information. Sorry about all the scrolling (well you need a bit of exercise too, admit it!) but I felt impelled to include the details as well as the headings so that you could see that I am not making it up - these are all REAL classes!
*By the way, there's an extra bit of this posting at the end of the list.

Saturday 10th January - Sports and Fitness Listings

Astanga Yoga (Primary Series)
Re-align & detoxify your body & with this ancient practice. All levels welcome.
email: darrylastanga@hotmail.com / Tel. Darryl on 07788 743181
5.30 - 7.00pm, £7.50 (£6)
Yoga Garden, Behind Cibo's (on the right), South Parade, Summertown.

Oxford Martial Arts Academy
Muay Thai, Boxing, Brazilain Jiu Jitsu, M.M.A , Brazilian Vale Tudo
www.OMAA.org.uk / email: info@omaa.org.uk / Tel. 07906628444 OR 01865 774 998.
6pm - 9.30pm £4.10
381 Cowley Rd

Winter Yoga Workshop Sue Pennington
Harmonise your practice with the season, and recharge your batteries.
email: suepennington@yahoo.com / Tel. 01865 776759
10am - 4pm, £40 / £35 / £30
Thrangu House, 42 Magdalen Road.

Amateur Boxing Oxford Brookes ABC
Train at one of the best University Clubs in the country!
email: oxfordboxing@googlemail.com / Tel. 01993 774407
6.00-7.30p.m
Oxford Brookes University Sport Centre, Cheney Lane, Oxford

Sun 11th Jan — Sports and Fitness Listings

Womens Football Headington Athletic WFC
Headington Athletic WFC welcome new experienced players
www.freewebs.com/headingtonathleticwfc / email: womensfootball@hotmail.co.uk / Tel. 07727277080
Matches 2 or 3pm ko - £3.50 or £1.75 (In full time education or not in work)
The Lord Nuffield Club, William Morris Close, Cowley., OX4 2JX

Jericho Ultimate Frisbee
Fun, fast-paced team game for all ages. ALL abilities welcome!
Tel. 01865 512634
3-5pm - free.
Aristotle Lane rec ground (go up Kingston Road, turn left at the Anchor pub towards Portmeadow, over humpbacked bridge, it's on the left)

Morning Astanga Yoga Classes Bella Galt and Emanuele Rossi
Mysore-style yoga, beginners welcome! Starts on 5th January 2009.
www.astangavinyasaoxford.net / email: yasmin@astangavinyasaoxford.net / Tel. 07967 674 029
6:30 - 9:00 AM
Yoga Garden, Behind Cibo's (on the right), South Parade, Summertown.

Antenatal Pilates Ivana Starkova
The best way to prepare your body for the delivery of the baby and improve posture.
www.ispilates.co.uk / email: enquiries@ispilates.co.uk / Tel. 07818 062351
10-11am, £15, £70 for 6
Summertown Church Hall, Corner of Banbury & Portland Rds, Summertown, OX2 7EZ.

Antenatal Pilates Ivana Starkova
2nd & 3rd trimester - strengthen postural and pelvic floor muscles, ease back pain
www.ispilates.co.uk / email: enquiries@ispilates.co.uk / Tel. 0781 806 2351
10-11am, £15, £70 for 6
Summertown Church Hall, Corner of Banbury & Portland Rds, Summertown, OX2 7EZ.

Post-natal Pilates Ivana Starkova
Exercises designed to strenghten abdominals & pelvic floor muscles, babies welcome
www.ispilates.co.uk / email: enquiries@ispilates.co.uk / Tel. 07818062351
11.15 - 12.15pm, £70 for 6
Summertown Church Hall, Corner of Banbury & Portland Rds, Summertown, OX2 7EZ.

Walk Oxon 20s 30s Walkers
6 mile walk around Badbury Hill, Coleshill & Faringdon area. Bring packed lunch.
www.oxon2030walkers.org / email: publicity@oxon2030walkers.org / Tel. 07787840342
10am
National trust car park at Badbury Hill, off the B4019 between Faringdon & Coleshill. Grid ref SU263946

Walk Oxon Weekend Walkers
8.5 mile walk around Blewbury area. Bring packed lunch.
www.oxon2030walkers.org / email: publicity@oxon2030walkers.org / Tel. 01235 525529
10.30am
Meet in Blewbury, on A417 near war memorial (western end of village). Please park considerately in village. Grid ref SU527856

Tiger Kung Fu Classes Classic Tiger Kung Fu Club
Classic Chinese Martial Arts: friendly classes suitable for all levels
www.classictigerkungfu.co.uk
2-3:30pm; £3 students; £6 non-students
Centre for Sport, Brookes University, Headington

Mon 12th Jan — Sports and Fitness Listings

Jazzercise In Oxford Join now!
60 min excercise class with the latest music and dances
www.witneyfitness.co.uk / email: helen2weller@hotmail.com
7pm / £6 a session or £16/m
Botley Primary School, Elms Road, West Oxford

Pilates ...with Tiago
45 min to mobilise, strengthen and stretch the back and the whole body.
www.functional-pilates.com / email: tiago.instructor@gmail.com / Tel. 07760444416
13:15-14:00, £8 drop-in, £39 for 6 classes
Jericho Community Centre, 33a Canal Street.

Pilates ...withTiago
60 min to mobilise, strengthen and stretch the back and the whole body.
http://functional-pilates.com / email: tiago.instructor@gmail.com / Tel. 07760444416
18:15-19:15, £7 (£6) drop-in
West Oxford Community Centre, Botley Road, OX2 0BT.

Oxford Martial Arts Academy
Muay Thai, Boxing, Brazilain Jiu Jitsu, M.M.A , Brazilian Vale Tudo
www.OMAA.org.uk / email: info@omaa.org.uk / Tel. 07906628444 OR 01865 774 998.
6pm - 9.30pm £4.10
381 Cowley Rd

Intermediate & Advanced Qigong Oxford Internal Arts
Head tutors to UK's largest college of Chinese Medicine
www.oxinar.com / email: oxfordinternalarts@googlemail.com / Tel. 07986 621112
6.30-7.30pm
Jericho Community Centre, 33a Canal Street.

Intermediate Tai Chi Oxford Internal Arts
Head tutors to UK's largest college of Chinese Medicine
www.oxinar.com / email: oxfordinternalarts@googlemail.com / Tel. 07986 621112
7.30-9.00pm
Jericho Community Centre, 33a Canal Street.

Ashtanga Yoga
Mixed ability, led classes. Strong, dynamic, energising yoga. Beginners welcome.
www.sashanorton.co.uk / email: sasha.norton@yahoo.com / Tel. 07710 237162
6.15 - 7.15pm.
Ozone Health & Fitness, nr Kassam Football Stadium (01865) 335300

Pilates Matwork Ivana Starkova
Stott instructor. Improve posture, strengthen lower back & abs,ease back pain. Beginner / intermediate level.
www.ispilates.co.uk / email: enquiries@ispilates.co.uk / Tel. 07818062351
7:15-8:15pm / £11, £54 for 6
Summertown Church Hall, Corner of Banbury & Portland Rds, Summertown, OX2 7EZ.

Antenatal Pilates Ivana Starkova
2nd & 3rd trimester, work postural & pelvic floor muscles, ease back pain
www.ispilates.co.uk / email: enquiries@ispilates.co.uk / Tel. 07818062351
6-7pm, £15 / £70 for 6 weeks
Summertown Church Hall, Corner of Banbury & Portland Rds, Summertown, OX2 7EZ.

Kung Fu Fujian White Crane Oxford Club
Traditional Chinese Martial Art. Beginners welcome.
www.fwckungfu.com / email: stefanw@fwckungfu.com / Tel. 07957 198 698
7.30-8.30pm
East Oxford Community Centre, 44b Princes Street (corner of Cowley Rd), OX4 1DD.

Flamenco Dance Course Oxford Flamenco Academy
Flamenco Classes - Intermediate 7.30pm - 9.00pm, Beginners 8.30pm - 10.00pm
www.oxfordflamencoacademy.co.uk / email: info@oxfordflamencoacademy.co.uk / Tel. 01865 553234 / 07904 260636
North Wall Arts Centre , South Parade, Oxford OX2 7NN; Email: sarahlacey@thenorthwall.com; Tel. 01865 319450.

Cotswold Slimming Club
Help losing weight. No queues. Limited membership. A new choice in Oxford!
www.cotswoldslimmingclubs.co.uk / email: val.collins@cotswoldslimmingclubs.co.uk / Tel. 07528486875
£7.50 register- £5.00 pw 12.30pm
Oxford Playhouse , Beaumont Street; Tel. 305305; Fax: 793748.

Morning Astanga Yoga Classes Bella Galt and Emanuele Rossi
Mysore-style yoga, beginners welcome! Starts on 5th January 2009.
www.astangavinyasaoxford.net / email: yasmin@astangavinyasaoxford.net / Tel. 07967 674 029
6:30 - 9:00 AM
Yoga Garden, Behind Cibo's (on the right), South Parade, Summertown.

Yoga Anita Lewis. Restarts 12th Jan
For beginner/experienced students wanting gentle yoga with inner focus.
www.anitalewisyoga.com / email: anita@anitalewisyoga.com / Tel. 07726 841815
6-7.30pm £8/£7 drop-in
South Oxford Community Centre, Lake Street, off Abingdon Rd.

Lunchtime Pilates Class Ivana Starkova
Strengthen abs & lower back, improve posture, ease back pain, intermediate.
www.ispilates.co.uk / email: enquiries@ispilates.co.uk / Tel. 07818062351
12.15 - 1pm, £8, £3 for 6
Jericho Community Centre, 33a Canal Street.

Pilates Lessons
email: charleyfp@googlemail.com / Tel. 07515770136
6pm-7pm £7 per lesson
South Oxford Community Centre, Lake Street, off Abingdon Rd.

Ananda Yoga
Tibetan yoga.
Tel. Emilia, 07776092373
Beginners and mixed ability. 7pm - 8pm, £65/term or £7 (£5) drop in
Methodist Church Hall (East Oxford), Corner of Cowley Road and Jeune Street.

Ladies Only Kung Fu Class FWC Oxford Club
Ladies Only Martial Arts class - great introduction for beginners.
www.fwckungfu.com / email: stefanw@fwckungfu.com / Tel. 07957 198698
7.30-8.30pm
Headington Community Centre, Gladstone Road, OX3 8LL.

Womens Boxercise Oxford Womens Boxercise
Get Fit, Burn Fat, Relieve Stress.
email: faz1@fsmail.net / Tel. 01993 774407
6.15-7.15 p.m
Headington Community Centre, Gladstone Road, OX3 8LL.

Tue 13th Jan — Sports and Fitness Listings
Oxford Martial Arts Academy

Muay Thai, Boxing, Brazilain Jiu Jitsu, M.M.A , Brazilian Vale Tudo
www.OMAA.org.uk / email: info@omaa.org.uk / Tel. 07906628444 OR 01865 774 998.
6pm - 9.30pm £4.10
381 Cowley Rd

Taoist Breathing & Meditation Oxford Internal Arts
Head tutors to UK's largest college of Chinese Medicine
www.oxinar.com / email: oxfordinternalarts@googlemail.com / Tel. 07986 621112
6.00-6.45pm
Jericho Community Centre, 33a Canal Street.

Tai Chi & Qigong Complete Foundation Oxford Internal Arts
Head tutors to UK's largest college of Chinese Medicine
www.oxinar.com / email: oxfordinternalarts@googlemail.com / Tel. 07986 621112
6.00-7.30pm
Jericho Community Centre, 33a Canal Street.

Tai Chi & Qigong Student Class Oxford Internal Arts
Head tutors to UK's largest college of Chinese Medicine
www.oxinar.com / email: oxfordinternalarts@googlemail.com / Tel. 07986 621112
7.30-9.00pm
Jericho Community Centre, 33a Canal Street.

Ashtanga Yoga
Mixed ability, led classes. Strong, dynamic, energising yoga. Beginners welcome.
www.sashanorton.co.uk / email: sasha.norton@yahoo.com / Tel. 07710 237162
6pm - 7.15pm, £7 (£5.60)
Yoga Garden, Behind Cibo's (on the right), South Parade, Summertown.

Pilates Beginners: Level 1 Wolff Fitness
Stott Pilates. Get a flat stomach, strengthen your back and improve posture.
email: pilates@wolfffitness.co.uk / Tel. 07771 923318
7.30pm, £35 for 5 sessions
Parish Church Hall, Avenue Rd, Kennington

Pilates Beginners: Level 1 Wolff Fitness

Stott Pilates. Get a flat stomach, strengthen your back and improve posture.
email: pilates@wolfffitness.co.uk / Tel. 07771 923318
10am, £40 for 5 sessions
Yoga Garden, Behind Cibo's (on the right), South Parade, Summertown.

Suang Yang Fujian White Crane Oxford Club
Soft and gentle martial art famed for its health benefits. Beginners welcome.
www.fwckungfu.com / email: stefanw@fwckungfu.com / Tel. 07957 198 698
6.30-7.30pm
Summertown Church Hall, Corner of Banbury & Portland Rds, Summertown, OX2 7EZ.

Kung Fu Fujian White Crane Oxford Club
Traditional Chinese Martial Art. Beginners welcome.
www.fwckungfu.com / email: stefanw@fwckungfu.com / Tel. 07957 198 698
7.30-8.30pm
Summertown Church Hall, Corner of Banbury & Portland Rds, Summertown, OX2 7EZ.

Korfball: Mixed Sex Team Sport Didcot Dragons Korfball Club
A mixed sex team game which is like both netball + basketball. Beginners welcome.
www.geocities.com/didcotkorfball/ / email: didcotkorfball@hotmail.co.uk / Tel. 07796 388776
7:30-9pm, £5 per week
Willowbrook Leisure Centre, Didcot

Pilates Matwork For Beginners Ivana Starkova
Progression from post-natal Pilates class, improve posture, babies welcome.
www.ispilates.co.uk / email: enquiries@ispilates.co.uk / Tel. 07818062351
11.45am-12.45pm, £11, £54 for 6
West Oxford Community Centre, Botley Road, OX2 0BT.

Intermediate Yoga Class Sue Pennington
Deepen your practice. Asana/pranayama/relaxation.
email: suepennington@yahoo.com / Tel. 01865 776759
6 - 8pm, £10/£9/£8
Asian Cultural Centre, Manzil Way, OX4 1GH.

Morning Astanga Yoga Classes Bella Galt and Emanuele Rossi
Mysore-style yoga, beginners welcome! Starts on 5th January 2009.
www.astangavinyasaoxford.net / email: yasmin@astangavinyasaoxford.net / Tel. 07967 674 029
6:30 - 9:00 AM
Yoga Garden, Behind Cibo's (on the right), South Parade, Summertown.

Hatha Yoga Anita Lewis
For beginners /experienced students wanting gentle yoga with inner focus.
www.anitalewisyoga.com / email: anita@anitalewisyoga.com / Tel. 07726 841815
6-7.15pm £8/£7 (£42/6 weeks)
St. Albans Hall, Charles St

Yoga Anita Lewis
Meditative postures and breath focusing on inner awareness.
www.anitalewisyoga.com / email: anita@anitalewisyoga.com / Tel. 07726 841815
7.30-9pm, 6 weeks £45
St. Albans Hall, Charles St, OX4

Classical Tai Chi And Chi Kung Oxford T'ai Chi Ch'uan Assoc.
Learn classical Yang Family Style Tai Chi and Chi Kung for health and wellbeing.
www.iffleyacupunctureclinic.co.uk / email: moonrise@globalnet.co.uk / Tel. 01865 778448
7.00-9.00pm £80/10 week term
Cowley Road Methodist Church

Active Body and Mind
Yoga for over 50s.
Tel. Emilia, 07776092373
£1.50 (inc. drink and sandwich), 10 - 11am
The Clock House, Nightingale Avenue, Greater Leys

Korfball: Mixed Sex Team Sport Oxford Isis Korfball Club
Fun, sociable team sport, like Handball/Basketball but better! Beginners welcome.
http://oxfordisis.co.uk / email: info@oxfordisis.co.uk
7 - 8.30 pm, try for free!
Matthew Arnold School, Arnolds Way, Oxford OX2 9JE

Womens Boxercise
Get Fit, Burn Fat, Relieve Stress.
email: faz1@fsmail.net / Tel. 01993 774407
7.00 - 8.00 pm
Windrush Leisure Centre, Witney

Tai Chi Chuan Oxford Tai Chi
Martial Arts training inc Push Hands and San Shou, Fitness Health and have fun!
www.oxfordtaichi / email: davetaichi@gmail / Tel. 01865724669
7.30-9.30pm £7/£5
East Oxford Community Centre, 44b Princes Street (corner of Cowley Rd), OX4 1DD.

Oxford Tai Chi Oxford Tai Chi Cuan
Taichi chuan martial art training inc push hands and san shou plus hand form
www.oxfordtaichi.com / email: davetaichi@gmail.com / Tel. 01865724669
7.30-9.30pm £7(£5)
East Oxford Community Centre, 44b Princes Street (corner of Cowley Rd), OX4 1DD.

Wed 14th Jan — Sports and Fitness Listings

Oxford Martial Arts Academy
Muay Thai, Boxing, Brazilain Jiu Jitsu, M.M.A , Brazilian Vale Tudo
www.OMAA.org.uk / email: info@omaa.org.uk / Tel. 07906628444 OR 01865 774 998.
6pm - 9.30pm £4.10
381 Cowley Rd

Tai Chi & Qigong Complete Foundation Oxford Internal Arts
Head tutors to UK's largest college of Chinese Medicine
www.oxinar.com / email: oxfordinternalarts@googlemail.com / Tel. 07986 621112
6.00-7.30pm
Jericho Community Centre, 33a Canal Street.

Taoist Breathing & Meditation Oxford Internal Arts
Head tutors to UK's largest college of Chinese Medicine
www.oxinar.com / email: oxfordinternalarts@googlemail.com / Tel. 07986 621112
6.00-6.45pm
Jericho Community Centre, 33a Canal Street.

Intermediate Taoist Meditation Oxford Internal Arts
Head tutors to UK's largest college of Chinese Medicine
www.oxinar.com / email: oxfordinternalarts@googlemail.com / Tel. 07986 621112
7.30-9.00pm
Jericho Community Centre, 33a Canal Street.

Bicycle Polo
The sport of kings, played on bikes.
email: oxfordbikepolo@gmail.com
8:30 every Wednesday. Free!
Curry's Parking Lot, Botley Rd.

Intermediate Pilates Matwork Ivana Starkova
Stott instructor. Improve posture, strengthen abs & lower back, prevent back pain
www.ispilates.co.uk / email: enquiries@ispilates.co.uk / Tel. 07818062351
6-7pm / £54 for 6 weeks
North Oxford Association, Diamond Place, Summertown, Oxford, OX2 7DP.

Oxford Ladies Rugby Oxford Rugby Football Club
Ladies, come and learn how to play Rugby, everyone welcome!
www.oxfordrfc.co.uk / email: lill_jenni@yahoo.co.uk
7-9 pm
Oxford RFC grounds are in North Hinksey Village, Oxford, off the A34.

Astanga-inspired Dynamic Yoga Lissa Rodd Oxford Yoga
Fun & challenging yoga flow: for strength & flexibility, meditation & happiness.
www.lissarodd-oxfordyoga.net / email: lissa2516@yahoo.co.uk / Tel. 01865 426348
6:30-8pm / £8/£6.50 regulars' discount
St Alban's Hall, Charles Street (off Iffley Road), OX4 3AU

New Year Women's Cardio Class Aurora Personal Fitness
Lose weight & develop strength and flexibility in an all abilities dynamic class
email: crystaljapan@hotmail.com / Tel. 07730 941781
7-8pm, £4.50, £21 for 6
South Oxford Community Centre, Lake Street, off Abingdon Rd.

Morning Astanga Yoga Classes Bella Galt and Emanuele Rossi
Mysore-style yoga, beginners welcome! Starts on 5th January 2009.
www.astangavinyasaoxford.net / email: yasmin@astangavinyasaoxford.net / Tel. 07967 674 029
6:30 - 9:00 AM
Yoga Garden, Behind Cibo's (on the right), South Parade, Summertown.

Introduction To Astanga Yoga Please contact Yasmin Andrew
Mysore-style Classes for beginners. Six week course starts 7th January 2009.
www.astangavinyasaoxford.net / email: yasmin@astangavinyasaoxford.net / Tel. 07967674029
6:15 PM, £48 for six weeks
Yoga Garden, Behind Cibo's (on the right), South Parade, Summertown.

Relaxation And Yoga. Anita Lewis
Gentle yoga for women in a safe, peaceful environment. Bring a mat/blanket.
www.anitalewisyoga.com / email: anita@anitalewisyoga.com
4.30-5.30. Free. Women Only
Asian Cultural Centre, Manzil Way, OX4 1GH.

Lunchtime Pilates Class Ivana tarkova
Strenghten abs & lower back, improve posture, ease back pain, intermediate.
www.ispilates.co.uk / email: enquiries@ispilates.co.uk / Tel. 07818062351
12.15 - 1pm, £8, £39 for 6
Old Fire Station, George Street

Ananda Yoga/Tibetan yoga.
Tel. Emilia, 07776092373
Beginners and complete beginners. 7pm - 8pm, £65/term or £7 (£5) drop in
Methodist Church Hall (East Oxford), Corner of Cowley Road and Jeune Street.

Beginners Kung Fu FWC Oxford Club
A new class for beginners in Fujian White Crane Kung Fu.
www.fwckungfu.com / email: stefanw@fwckungfu.com / Tel. 07957 198 698
7.30-8.30pm
South Oxford Community Centre, Lake Street, off Abingdon Rd.

Womens Boxercise Oxford Womens Boxercise
Get Fit, Burn Fat, Relieve Stress.
email: faz1@fsmail.net / Tel. 01993 774407
8.00-9.00p.m
Summertown Church Hall, Portland Rd, Oxford, OX2 7EZ

Yoga Meditation Relaxation
Gently paced. Classic Iyengar/Ashtanga postures, focus on alignment and breath.
email: lauramansberger@yahoo.co.uk / Tel. 0796 348 2779
Wednesdays: 6:30-8:00pm. £6/£5
Asian Cultural Centre, Manzil Way, OX4 1GH.

Oxford Tai Chi Oxford Tai Chi Chuan
Health Posture Correct Composure Relaxation Fitness Flexibility Gung and Form
www.oxfordtaichi.com / email: davetaichi@gmail.com / Tel. 01865724669
6.30-8pm £7 (£5)
East Oxford Community Centre, 44b Princes Street (corner of Cowley Rd), OX4 1DD.

Thu 15th Jan — Sports and Fitness Listings

Buggyfit
Postnatal fitness class for mums and babies
www.buggyfit.co.uk / email: liz@expectingresults.co.uk / Tel. 07979341574
Thursdays 2-3pm. £4.50
Albert Park, Abingdon

Yoga (mixed ability) Sue Pennington
All welcome, including beginners. Stretching, strengthening, relaxing.
email: suepennington@yahoo.com / Tel. 01865 776759
6-7.30pm / £8/£7/£6
Asian Cultural Centre, Manzil Way, OX4 1GH.

Jazzercise In Oxford Join now!
60 min excercise class with the latest music and dances
www.witneyfitness.co.uk / email: helen2weller@hotmail.com
7pm / £6 a session or £16/m
Botley Primary School, Elms Road, West Oxford

Pilates ...with Tiago
60 min to mobilise, strengthen and stretch the back and the whole body. 6 week course
www.functional-pilates.com / email: tiago.instructor@gmail.com / Tel. 07760444416
19:15-20:15, £45
Jericho Community Centre, 33a Canal Street.

Oxford Martial Arts AcademyMuay Thai, Boxing, Brazilain Jiu Jitsu, M.M.A , Brazilian Vale Tudo
www.OMAA.org.uk / email: info@omaa.org.uk / Tel. 07906628444 OR 01865 774 998.
6pm - 9.30pm £4.10
381 Cowley Rd

Womens Football Headington Athletic WFCHeadington Athletic WFC welcome new experienced players
www.freewebs.com/headingtonathleticwfc / email: womensfootball@hotmail.co.uk / Tel. 07727277080
Training evenings £2.50 or £1.25 (In full time education or not in work)
The Lord Nuffield Club, William Morris Close, Cowley., OX4 2JX

Ashtanga Yoga
Mixed ability, led classes. Strong, dynamic, energising yoga. Beginners welcome.
www.sashanorton.co.uk / email: sasha.norton@yahoo.com / Tel. 07710 237162
10:30-12:00 / Enquire for prices
Ferry Sports Centre , off Marston Ferry Road, Summertown; Tel. 01865 467060.

Pilates Beginners: Level 1 Wolff Fitness
Stott Pilates. Get a flat stomach, strengthen your back and improve posture.
email: pilates@wolfffitness.co.uk / Tel. 07771 923318
9.30am, £35 for 5 sessions
Parish Church Hall, Avenue Rd, Kennington

Pilates Beginners: Level 1 Wolff Fitness
Stott Pilates. Get a flat stomach, strengthen your back and improve posture.
email: pilates@wolfffitness.co.uk / Tel. 07771 923318
6pm, £40 for 5 sessions
Holiday Inn Hotel, Peartree Roundabout, Woodstock Road, OX2 8JD.

Suang Yang Fujian White Crane Oxford Club
Soft and gentle martial art famed for its health benefits. Beginners welcome.
www.fwckungfu.com / email: stefanw@fwckungfu.com / Tel. 07957 198 698
6.30-7.30pm
East Oxford Community Centre, 44b Princes Street (corner of Cowley Rd), OX4 1DD.

Kung Fu Fujian White Crane Oxford Club
Traditional Chinese Martial Art. Beginners welcome.
www.fwckungfu.com / email: stefanw@fwckungfu.com / Tel. 07957 198 698
5.30-6.20pm (children), 7.30-8.30pm adults
East Oxford Community Centre, 44b Princes Street (corner of Cowley Rd), OX4 1DD.

Private Yoga Lessons Olivia Henderson at Eau de Vie
Learn balance in body and in mind. Suitable for any level of fitness and ability. With a British Wheel of Yoga accredited teacher.
www.eau-de-vie.co.uk / email: info@eau-de-vie.co.uk / Tel. 01865 200678
9.30 - 12.30pm £45 1 Hour/ £65 1.5 Hours
Eau de Vie, 34 Cowley Road, OX4 1HZ

Astanga-inspired Dynamic Yoga Lissa Rodd Oxford YogaFun & challenging yoga flow: for strength & flexibility, meditation & happiness.
www.lissarodd-oxfordyoga.net / email: lissa2516@yahoo.co.uk / Tel. 01865 426348
6:30-8pm / £8/£6.50 regulars' discount
St Alban's Hall, Charles Street (off Iffley Road), OX4 3AU

Pilates Matwork For Beginners Ivana StarkovaStott Instructor - strengthen abs, improve posture, ease back pain.
www.ispilates.co.uk / email: enquiries@ispilates.co.uk / Tel. 0781 8062351
6-7pm, £11, £54 for 6
Summertown Church Hall, Corner of Banbury & Portland Rds, Summertown, OX2 7EZ.

Pole Fitness Beginners CoursePole Fitness is a great way of keeping fit. Please ring or email for further info. 8 Week course.
email: lynnspolefitness@hotmail.co.uk / Tel. 07527170014
8.30-9.45pm, £12 per lesson or £85 for Course
Abingdon Dance Studios

Capoeira - Senzala
Brazilian martial art combining fighting techniques with acrobatics and music.
Tel. 07935 023534 (Andreas)
6.30-8.00pm, £5.
St Michael's Church Hall, Portland Road, Summertown, OX2 7EZ

Morning Astanga Yoga Classes Bella Galt and Emanuele Rossi
Mysore-style yoga, beginners welcome! Starts on 5th January 2009.
www.astangavinyasaoxford.net / email: yasmin@astangavinyasaoxford.net / Tel. 07967 674 029
6:30 - 9:00 AM
Yoga Garden, Behind Cibo's (on the right), South Parade, Summertown.

Adult Squash Coaching Ferry Sports Centre
Looking to try something new? Learn how to play Squash
www.oxford.gov.uk/leisure/ferry-sports-centre.cfm / email: ferrysc@oxford.gov.uk / Tel. 01865 467060
7.00 - 8.00pm Beginners, 8.00 - 9.00pm Improvers. Prices from £39.60 - £45.00
Ferry Sports Centre , off Marston Ferry Road, Summertown; Tel. 01865 467060.

Jivamukti Yoga
Dynamic flowing yoga with Nigel Farrar. All welcome.
email: nigelaf@hotmail.com / Tel. 07771 515327
6.30 - 8pm, £8 (£6)
St. Alban's Church hall, Charles St. (off Iffley Rd)

Korfball: Mixed Sex Team Sport Oxford City Korfball Club
Fun, sociable team sport, like netball/basketball but better! Beginners welcome.
www.oxfordcitykorfballclub.co.uk / email: chairperson@oxfordkorfball.com
6.30 - 8.00 pm, try for free!
Oxford School, Glanville Rd.

Tiger Kung Fu Classes Classic Tiger Kung Fu Club
Classic Chinese Martial Arts: friendly classes suitable for all levels
www.classictigerkungfu.co.uk
7-8:30pm; £3 students; £6 non-students
Centre for Sport, Brookes University, Headington

David Lloyd Tai Chi Oxford Tai Chi ChuanComplete tai chi chuan classes open to all inc non members
www.oxfordtaichi.com / email: davetaichi@gmail / Tel. 01865724669
7-9pm £7 to non members
David Lloyd Oxford

Post-natal Pilates Class Ivana Starkova
Strenghten abs & pelvic floor muscles, babies welcome.
www.ispilates.co.uk / email: enquiries@ispilates.co.uk / Tel. 0781806 2351
12-1pm, £70 for 6 weeks
North Oxford Association, Diamond Place, Summertown, Oxford, OX2 7DP.

Fri 16th Jan — Sports and Fitness Listings

Oxford Martial Arts Academy
Muay Thai, Boxing, Brazilain Jiu Jitsu, M.M.A , Brazilian Vale Tudo
www.OMAA.org.uk / email: info@omaa.org.uk / Tel. 07906628444 OR 01865 774 998.
6pm - 9.30pm £4.10
381 Cowley Rd

Suang Yang Fujian White Crane Oxford Club
Soft and gentle martial art famed for its health benefits. Beginners welcome.
www.fwckungfu.com / email: stefanw@fwckungfu.com / Tel. 07957 198 698
6.30-7.30pm
Summertown Church Hall, Corner of Banbury & Portland Rds, Summertown, OX2 7EZ.

Kung Fu Fujian White Crane Oxford Club
Traditional Chinese Martial Art. Beginners welcome.
www.fwckungfu.com / email: stefanw@fwckungfu.com / Tel. 07957 198 698
7.30-8.30pm
Summertown Church Hall, Corner of Banbury & Portland Rds, Summertown, OX2 7EZ.

Astanga-inspired Dynamic Yoga Lissa Rodd Oxford Yoga
Fun & challenging yoga flow: for strength & flexibility, meditation & happiness.
www.lissarodd-oxfordyoga.net / email: lissa2516@yahoo.co.uk / Tel. 01865 426348
6:30-8pm / £8/£6.50 regulars' discount
St Alban's Hall, Charles Street (off Iffley Road), OX4 3AU

Free Taster Session Tatty Bumpkin Oxford
Yoga inspired classes for children 2-5. Educational and FUN!!!
www.oxford.tattybumpkin.com / email: classes@oxford.tattybumpkin.com / Tel. 0845 6801519 or 07929 288964
10.30 & 11.30am FREE!!!!!
Summertown Church Hall, Corner of Banbury & Portland Rds, Summertown, OX2 7EZ.

Yoga Classes Yoga in Oxford
Yoga for energy, balance and peace of mind. Drop-in class; all welcome
www.yogainoxford.co.uk / email: joannajeczalik@yahoo.com / Tel. 01865 453307
6 - 7.15pm, £5.50, £4.50 concs
Yoga Garden, Behind Cibo's (on the right), South Parade, Summertown.

Morning Astanga Yoga Classes Bella Galt and Emanuele Rossi
Mysore-style yoga, beginners welcome! Starts on 5th January 2009.
www.astangavinyasaoxford.net / email: yasmin@astangavinyasaoxford.net / Tel. 07967 674 029
6:30 - 9:00 AM
Yoga Garden, Behind Cibo's (on the right), South Parade, Summertown.

Hatha Yoga Hazel Faithfull
All Welcome. Mixed ability classes combining breath movement and relaxation.
www.hazelfaithfull.co.uk / email: oxford.yoga@yahoo.co.uk / Tel. 07931 743785
10 - 11.30am six weeks £42. Drop in £9
Abbey rooms, Guildhall, Abingdon

Improver's Yoga Course Luisa Rennie
Build strength, flexibility and focus with a view to developing self practice.
www.oxfordyogalotus.co.uk / email: luisajane@hotmail.com / Tel. 07905241123
6-7.30pm, £42 for six weeks
United Reformed Church (Summertown), 274a Banbury Road (opposite South Parade).

Therapeutic Yoga Anita Lewis
Gentle movement, breath, relaxation to restore and enhance well being.
www.eau-de-vie.co.uk / email: anita@anitalewisyoga.com / Tel. 07726 841815
Tailored to the individual.
Eau De Vie, 34 Cowley Road

Lunchtime Pilates Class Ivana Starkova
Strenghten abs & lower back, ease back pain, improve posture, beginners.
www.ispilates.co.uk / email: enquiries@ispilates.co.uk / Tel. 07818062351
12.15 - 1pm, £8, £39 for 6
Jericho Community Centre, 33a Canal Street.

Ananda Yoga
Tibetan yoga, beginners and mixed ability.
Tel. Emilia, 07776092373
4pm - 5pm. £65 / 12 sessions; £7 (£5) drop in
South Oxford Community Centre, Lake Street, off Abingdon Rd.

Phew I'm exhausted just looking at them all! Bicycle Polo or Pole Dancing though... what do you think? I shall spare you the almost as dizzying list of local dance classes - though they are also on the Daily Information site if you're curious. Then there's every kind of Baby Gym and Baby College for that insecure flabby little underachieving tyke of yours who's just desperate to shed his baby weight and win the Pulitzer whilst still in nappies.

Talking of literary awards, I am delighted to see that one of my favourite writers, Diana Athill, has just won the Costa award at the age of 91. Hope for all we late starters and late overnight successes yet I think!
I first stumbled upon the writings of this impressive grande dame of literature some ten years ago as a volunteer in Oxfam Bookshop when her first autobiography 'Instead of A Letter' caught my eye when shelf-tidying. To this day I cannot explain why I picked it up as the jacket was rather bland and unremarkable. The contents however were anything but as she poignantly (but without a trace of self-indulgence) detailed her childhood and early adulthood from a family bosom of decaying English grandeur to the war years in the most beautiful detail with a depth of understanding and objectivity chronicalling all her loves and losses seldom seen, not to mention remarkable candour. She was a mere stripling of 46 when the book was published in 1963 and in-between a distinguished career as a literary editor for Andre Deutsche and others, has written a number of memoirs about the stages of her life since, including the excellent 'Stet' about her long history as a Literary Editor and what really goes on in the publishing world and its changes over the 20th Century. She has latterly cornered the market in what it is like to grow old in unflinching detail, but again with the most extraordinary and compelling grace. And she is perfectly right - far too much is written about being young compared to the virtually nothing that is written about being old, no matter that youth is such a fleeting state and small percentage of life compared to the remainder. Thus humanity needs to learn to love and value itself for the duration, and not just when at its most physically fit and desirable. The old are, as Ms Athill says, 'Reservoirs of experience' with a lot more to offer than they are often given credit for in the Western world. Certainly there is no going gentle into that good night for Ms Athill.