I thought I'd share with you a sneak preview of my forthcoming misery memoir - 'I was Locked In A Cupboard For Longer Than You!'
In it I will shockingly reveal how my parents abused me by;
.Forcibly strapping me to a 'pushchair' and restraining me with 'baby reins' until I was three, not to mention unlawfully imprisoning me in a 'playpen' whilst they abandoned me, to do the washing up or make a phone call.
Force-feeding me liquid carrots and other disgusting mushy foodstuffs between the ages of six months and one year.Deliberately humiliating me in that ridiculous garb known as a 'nappy' and dressing me in embarrassing home knitwear with mittens sewn onto the sleeves, topped off with mismatched bobble-hats.Forbidding me from running around in restaraunts and annoying other diners.Forcing me to potty train and take baths while they watched, claiming I'd 'missed a bit' and assaulting me with a loofah.Unplugging the phone every time I attempted to call the Police for help.Cruelly depriving me of dessert until I'd eaten my greens.Sadistically claiming there was no Santa Claus or Tooth Fairy.Refusing to buy me a television for my bedroom.Making me attend a state penitentiary every day which they called 'school' and insisting I do 'homework' every afternoon before I was allowed to watch Blue Peter.Imprisoning me in a dining chair until I was given 'permission' to leave the table.Demanding I go to bed before 10.30pm on a school night.Making me brush my teeth until my gums reddened.Not letting me eat marshmallows for breakfast.Withholding pocket money if I wasn't 'good'.Refusing to buy me designer gear when Angela Gaston had it.Denying me a Gameboy (pathetically they claim these weren't invented before 1989).Confiscating my declaration of undying love to Simon Le Bon before I could find a stamp.Not letting me take the cat up to bed
These and many more abuses are laid starkly and rawly naked in my no-holds-barred last taboo bestseller-to-end-all-bestsellers ' I Was Locked In A Cupboard For Longer Than You!' - available exclusively from all Wainsburys supermarket outlets and budget flight airport vending machines. The wounds may have healed, but the scars remain festering.
The ideal pop-up stocking filler for Christmas at only £8.99 or six-for-one multibuy with every packet of coco-pops.
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