Monday, 4 August 2008

Ingredients For A Hit (or How To Be A Pop Star)

Insert Rapper Here

Lift a riff or two from Bowie or whoever
Insert a rapper if your song is lacklustre
Select your chosen beat
Stick your synth on 'repeat'
A line here and there
Scream 'yeah' as you layer.
But if you really want to cash up
You can't beat a mash-up,
Drop an 'angel' in the mix,
Or make it a 'love 'n' Christmas' hit.
With a fee for every play
You'll make more royalties that way
And girlfriend, it's yo' duty
To shake that liposuctioned booty
Flaunt that silicone valley
In a push-up balcony.
Make out you're a filthy slut
Available 24/7 for a non-vanilla f**k
And did I mention rehab
And falling knickerless out of cabs?
It'll boost your pink diamante clothing lines
And push your doll to the under-nines

© LS King 2008


LucyFishwife said...

Or the other option ... make a song with a simple guitar track and a whispery little voice and get it used globally to advertise cars/mobile phones, swear you were never interested in fame and were discovered when your cousin secretly podcasted you singing in the garage, do two tours, marry a bloke from an indie band, and ALWAYS wear a trilby and skinny jeans.

moi said...

Ooooo, I'd love to hear how you'd riff on earnest chick folks singers!

"Flaunt your silicone valley." Bwahahahaha!

nearside said...

How wonderfully put! And how true! The cult of celebrity that surrounds these walking train-crashes bewilders and angers me, while true talent languishes in obscurity, simply because some talent isn't interesting or self-destructive enough.

Rol said...

Beautifully written, depressingly accurate. That last line is a damning indictment... or maybe we're just getting old.

teeni said...

Oh, this was awesome. Laura, you really are so talented and I love your sarcasm and humor. I think I would really enjoy any parodies you came up with. So there's something if you ever need a post idea. :)

Wisewebwoman said...

Truly amazing riff and so succintly said!
We're in the era of botox and silicone and liposuction and how desperate and fleeting are the hours of fame.

Steve said...

The scary thing is that star-wannabes will print off this wonderful poem and use it as a 22 point plan to guarantee their success. I'm already booked in to get my booty liposuctioned...

The Sagittarian said...

Ale house or Whine house?

Lady Language said...

LMAO!!! I almost thought I was at the wrong blogspot when I saw the picture. How funny - I adore this post. Thanks for bringing me back with a good laugh.

Betty said...

Well summarised. I love the way those girls reach their mid twenties, finally kick the booze/cocaine habit and suddenly become all smug and talk about their "career" which consists of doing a one off presenting job on The Hundred Most Embarrassing Reality Show Moments and having their own perfume line!

Reluctant Blogger said...

Wonderful! That made me laugh too (no mean feat since I am trying to pack and it is not a cheering occupation).

I do wonder though if Rol is right and we are all just getting old. I remember my mother saying that her mother used to go on to her in much the same way about Cliff, The Stones and The Beatles - how they were all image, no substance, and how they wouldn't last.

Well, I shouldn't tar you with the same brush really - but I am definitely getting old.

Wandering Jay said...

Catchy, a sure hit. Nice choice of word "diamante", instead of "bling - bling". Thanks for sharing.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

LucyFishWife, sounds like a surefire recipe to me - I'll just go and try it!

Actually there's a wonderful act called Wilson Dixie I saw recently who does a a great folk music skit act better than I ever could, but thanks for the suggestion Moi!

Nearside, thank you. I couldn't agree more, which is why I devote some portion of my own artistic life to taking the wee out of these vacuous entities!

Rol, thank you too. However I would venture to suggest the 'getting old' slur is just a handy smokescreen to excuse these excuses for talent! I mean they really ARE that bad & it's NOT our imagination/Alzheimers kicking in!

Teeni, you're a sweetie. I wondered if I had gone a tad too far with my cynicism in this poem, but it would seem not!

WWW, thank you, tho' I realise some degree of bitterness at having left it too late to become a bootylicious babe with a runaway coke habit and not being able to afford the botox/liposuction to counteract the ravages of said lifestyle probably shines through!

Steve I'm sure you have a dandy booty already! If you are right about the 22-point plan, I think I ought to get myself a manager!

Sagittarian, think it's 'Amy Wino' these days, though a radio presenter made the interesting point that if she'd been callled 'Amy Teahouse', would she have been getting into all this trouble?

Cheers LL! I will come and visit you forthwith. Another fashion posting coming up soon, which may tickle you!

Betty - I guess they need to cocaine in order to fall unselfconsciously out of cabs with no knickers on (and thus help provide the embarrassing TV moments for their later careers as presenters).

RB, as I said to Rol, the 'getting old' thing is just an excuse to foist these musical insults onto us. Reject it at all costs! All together now 'No - your music really DOES suck!!!' Ok, except for Amy W, who does have talent and has no need to make an exhibition of herself as well.

Thanks for dropping by Wandering Jay - I have visited your nice blog.