Thursday, 16 October 2008

An Inspector Calls...

Stand by your blogs folks, for today the Queen visits Google, so everything had better be ship-shape and Bristol-fashion or 'orf with your heads'!

BBC Radio 4's Today programme had great fun this morning speculating on what HM's
blog might be like if she wrote one. Do click on the link and listen to the humorous clip of Sue Townshend's sketch - no matter that Sue evidently does not seem to know the difference between a blog and Facebook.

The answer to their musing though is that they'd never know, as any attempt that The Queen made to interact with the BBC would be stymied by the fact that even when you go through all the rigmarole of signing up to the BBC website - you can never EVER leave comments on any programme as a BLOGGER! Not even for programmes about BLOGGING!

How annoying is that?

To annoy even further, viewers and listeners can now rarely contact programmes direct - even to offer positive feedback to the British Broadcasting Corporation that we the people personally pay for and own - but are directed to messageboard asylums full of random lunatics who can scarcely write, let alone stick to the same topic thread - in order that the Beeb can ignore their viewers and listeners even more & let them rant away to each other with equanimity.

In fact if our Queen wants a surefire way to anonymity and a low-key life, the way bloggers are tumbling down the Google rankings as a search engine priority, starting a blog is probably the answer! Or the next best thing to trying to contact the BBC directly!

Monday, 13 October 2008

All The World's A Stage...

A poem inspired by the Noel Coward number 'Don't Put Your Daughter On The Stage Mrs Worthington' rather than Shakey. Although penned some time ago, it seems particularly apt in the current economic climate.


Don't put your daughter on life's stage Mrs Worthington
Nor your son if he can't act
And lie after the fact
Seem to be obedient
Flexible, expedient
Playing all of the parts
Employing all of the arts

For the whole world is a stage Mrs Worthington
And we but two-bit players
Only doers, one-line sayers
And they who steal the show
Will be regretfully 'let go'

There will be no revival
For those who overlook survival
And fail the spot the machinery
Shifting the scenery
As they faithfully stick to the original script

No don't put your offspring on life's stage Mrs Worthington
They'll come to a bad end
If they can't make West End
And their run will be short
And unendingly fraught
With the fear of being written out
Or never written in

© LS King

Friday, 10 October 2008

And The Tune Currently Trapped at No.1 in Laura's Head This Week is…

The Feeling - Sewn

Normally any song containing the lyrics na na na-aaa na na na na is a definite no no no-oo no no no, notwithstanding this tune has somehow managed to worm its way under the radar and into my brain, being a bit classier than many of its contemporaries of dodgy lyrics. Ok so it was catchy, original and he had a good voice I admit it. If only the lyrics were better how much more immortal a lullaby for youth it could have been, though I do love the chorus 'You got my heart in a headlock'

For the more intellectual among you, still trapped at No. 2 in Laura's brain this week is;

Britney Spear's Toxic. A poptastic piece of original dance kitsch with Indian overtones. Surprisingly the words ain't half bad either. For a mad mare who'll shave her head at the drop of a headline, Britney can still deliver the odd hat trick of a hit. And that sparkly body stocking should grant her all the attention she needs!

But you know when you go to the doctor and plead 'Doctor, doctor, I've got this tune stuck in my head, going round and round all day, can you help me?' And he just looks at you witheringly and says 'Miss King, I have patients in this surgery dying of cancer, so just be a good little hypochondriac and bugger off!'

Or is it just me?

Monday, 6 October 2008

Is There Anybody There?

The other week I indulged a longtime idle curiosity to find out if there was anything for 'afters' as it were, and purchased a Ouija board for £7.99 on eBay.

It arrived a couple of days later.

My friend and I read the instructions and tried it that weekend.

After declaring the board 'open' and politely asking - 'is there anyone nice out there who wishes to communicate with either of us?' we waited,

and waited.

and waited.


We repeated the request, alternately staring at the planchette our fingertips rested on, the lighted candles, and each other, until it became embarrassing.

Eventually I asked 'is there anybody there at all who would like to communicate with either myself or Terry?'


Not a sausage.

Proof positive that there is no life after death.

I am seeking a refund. (for the Ouija board as well).

Though upon reflection, perhaps asking if 'any body' was there
was the wrong question! Or perhaps an ethernet search is as exacting as an internet search. Or maybe I just don't know enough dead people.

Friday, 3 October 2008

Around Asda In 80 Minutes

What the??? And who wants their crisps 'hand cooked' anyway, even supposing that they contain real bona fide blankets?

At least some great British traditions never change...

And our gratuitous traditional puddings are always good for a laugh.

I didn't know that 'comforting' was a legally recognised and chargeable 'ingredient' under Food Labelling laws, but perhaps I'm behind the times.

After that little lot, you may be worrying about your waistline. Free liposcution attachment and personal bacon slicer enclosed.

Nice to see a store that doesn't glamorise drinking.

But is considerate enough to sell the heavy drinker a few aids to see them through the check-out queue.

Clever chappies, these DUAL-action products. But 'neckache' - how???

Who needs re-hab?

Just in case you're worried about other side-effects of the way we live now.... Could this be the new navel-gazing? Personally I've never been quite that bored of a Saturday night.

I think that merger with Walmart has gone to their head. At this point, needless to say I made my excuses and left.

I'll throw this out as a meme and link back to any blogmate similarly foolhardy enough to test the freedom of their free country by capturing similarly ridiculous products minus security guard molestation.

Meantime I'm off to eat some 'comforting' mash. It's a tough old start of term here in Ye Olde Oxenford, but I hope to catch up with y'all very soon.