Tuesday, 30 March 2010

Vote For Me - you know it makes sense

  • Googling 'How To Start Your Own Political Party' I find that 53,600,000 have beaten me to it. Almost the entire population of Britain. Are they really all so disillusioned they are each intending to start one?

    I have been toying with the idea of calling mine The British Common Sense Party. Or even The British Salvation Party in honour of our fine upstanding friend on the left (but without the religious bit). Among other things, it will stand for:
  • Restoring some national pride in being British (minus the racism, ageism and sexism of old)
    Investing in our film, television and music industries (ie the stuff we do best!)
    Preventing the brain drain by nurturing home grown talent and effectively marketing it.
    Manufacturing toasters that fit toast
    Manufacturing underwear and footwear that bears some relation to the female form.
  • Subsidising home grown produce and products over imports.
    Children not being dressed as hookers by their parents who then complain that their children are not safe to go out and play.
    Adults not dressing as hookers themselves and then complaining about how they cannot find more than a one-night stand.
    Reverting to 5 TV channels of at least 70% quality programming.
    The promotion of love, friendship conscientiousness, good manners and charitable works as beneficial to all/an antidote to depression from the school yard onwards.
    The reversal of the dumbing down process in education and one period a day of compulsory poetry!
    Banning all dangerous drivers from the roads - in some cases forever.
  • Life meaning a life sentence when a murder is committed.
    Raising the driving test age to 21 (the vast majority of accidents are caused by the under 21s).
    Care homes where the elderly can remain unseparated from their pets and spouses.
    Palliative care available to all with terminal illnesses.
    The latest drugs available to every patient/patients allowed to test new drugs upon request.
    A requirement that all immigrants learn English, integrate and embrace British laws and values if they choose to live in Britain (when we remember what our values are, that is) with a 2 year requirement to work and pay national insurance here before qualifying to use the National Health Service.
    A tax bonus for all couples who are married for 2 years before having children.
    £100 per year to each individual who manages to keep themselves fit and out of hospital and not use their £500 per person NHS allowance, thus freeing it up for those who really do need it/have expensive medical needs.
    Childless couples pay for their own IVF since it is not an illness, though women who wish to get rid of their babies may be offered the cost of their abortions as an incentive to consider adoption to couples desperate for a child.
  • No further ruination or demolition of any pre-1930s heritage.

    These and other policies will partly be financed by massive fines for spitting, drinking, dogging or dropping litter in public, taking drugs, careless driving etc, though common sense becomes up to a point self-financing as it reaps its own rewards (ie fewer hospital re-admissions when patients are given the latest drugs for example)

Perhaps I should start with a straw poll among you, though I must firstly apologise for being such a terrible blogmate of late - getting ready for a string of OxFringe shows took over somewhat. But I am back and ready for round 1 in the hustings!

Sunday, 7 March 2010

Everyone Wants A Relationship With Me

Apparently customer service managers in banks are now known as Customer Relationship Managers. Conversely it's getting harder to google products and services without being required to 'register' on every website - a surefire way of scaring this potential customer away, unless the product is truly unavailable anywhere else (having first ruled out locally, in real life).
Which got me to thinking, how come the semantics get fancier and the customer commitment demanded gets higher as the service gets worse?

Shopping Around

I don’t want a relationship with my car insurer
I don’t want a relationship with my car rescuer
I don’t want a relationship with my zero interest bank
I don’t want a relationship with my patchy reception mobile phone company
I don’t want a relationship with my 1.5mbps home internet provider
I don’t want a relationship with my council tax department, gas provider or electricity supplier
I don’t want a relationship with my local supermarket
I don’t want a relationship with the company currently doing the best price
on Canon printer inks
I don’t want a relationship with the local Police
Or the fashion emporium I ordered one ill-fitting bra from five years ago.
I don't want a relationship with all the companies I've NEVER bought anything from, who won't take 'Unsubscribe' for an answer.
I particularly don’t want a relationship with the Union which sold me down the river when I was made redundant, but who won’t accept that our relationship is over.
A pox on your endless unsolicited newsletters lovingly e-mailed and mailed to me
Your advertising incontinence spilling out of magazines, leaving only glossy covers
And your multi-ways spreading my intimate details to all and sundry on the net, despite my wishes, the Data Protection Act, rampant identity theft and an imploding environment of mailshot waste.
Just call me a commitmentphobe
Though you’ve got to admit, the sex is pretty rubbish too,
And you’re always cheating on me with new customers
Showering them with all your gifts and favours, though here's news for you
For I've started cheating on you too
When you can't keep me satisfied
And my loyalty is rewarded with contempt in your eyes
I surf for new consumer partners who might add value and adore
And give me the customer servicing that has me coming back for more
For shopping is voting and I'm getting cannier who I elect
When I select.
One day, I'm hoping there will be wedding bells
When I find the company who offers lifelong heaven without any added hell
Meantime I think my local MP wants to sever his relationship with me
Making him work so hard on my behalf for his salary.

©LS King 2010