Friday, 3 October 2008

Around Asda In 80 Minutes

What the??? And who wants their crisps 'hand cooked' anyway, even supposing that they contain real bona fide blankets?

At least some great British traditions never change...

And our gratuitous traditional puddings are always good for a laugh.

I didn't know that 'comforting' was a legally recognised and chargeable 'ingredient' under Food Labelling laws, but perhaps I'm behind the times.

After that little lot, you may be worrying about your waistline. Free liposcution attachment and personal bacon slicer enclosed.

Nice to see a store that doesn't glamorise drinking.

But is considerate enough to sell the heavy drinker a few aids to see them through the check-out queue.

Clever chappies, these DUAL-action products. But 'neckache' - how???

Who needs re-hab?

Just in case you're worried about other side-effects of the way we live now.... Could this be the new navel-gazing? Personally I've never been quite that bored of a Saturday night.

I think that merger with Walmart has gone to their head. At this point, needless to say I made my excuses and left.

I'll throw this out as a meme and link back to any blogmate similarly foolhardy enough to test the freedom of their free country by capturing similarly ridiculous products minus security guard molestation.

Meantime I'm off to eat some 'comforting' mash. It's a tough old start of term here in Ye Olde Oxenford, but I hope to catch up with y'all very soon.


Nota Bene said... christmas shopping list is now complete. I think the personal ovulation microscope is tip top...ideal for gran, and on a par with "Why do dogs lick their testicles..because they can"

Steve said...

I think I need a body fat monitor. I suspect mine regularly goes out partying without me and I'd love to know what it gets up to. A body fat monitor would be a lot cheaper than hiring a private detective...

Steerforth said...

I don't see how those feet detox pads can possibly work. Surely they just collect a normal amount of nocturnal sweat rather than purge you of any poisons.

I wonder if the customers in your Asda are as unevolved as the ones in mine? I'm 5'10, which is pretty normal, but in Asda I feel like a freakish giant.

Lucy Fishwife said...

I think the feet-detox thing is another one of those New Age fads masquerading as science, rather like ear-candling and Cherie Blair's protective crystals. And if the feet are a natural exit point for toxins, how come we only let the air get to them in the summer??? If I paint my toenails will I die gruesomely like Shirley Eaton in "Goldfinger"?
My body fat monitor is called My Grandmother, and whenever she says "You look well" I know I need to lose a stone.

moi said...

As you may very well know, lots of jokes in the culinary community on this side of the pond regarding British "cuisine" (not Moi – give me Stilton or give me death!), but those pigs in blanket chips just might change the world.

Anonymous said...

I love spotted dick. I know that sounds most unlikely but I do.

But I hate Asda so much that there is no way I could EVER set foot inside one of their shops. I did once but never again.

I always wonder who buys those frozen roast potatoes and stuff like that which are just so easy for even crap cooks like me to produce.

And I don't understand how fat monitors can work. I mean how can they? How do they know what percentage is fat? I just don't get it.

LOL at Steve!

The Sagittarian said...

I had an amusing conversation with an elderly couple at the supermarket just the other day...they weer stunned to see that you could actually buy Frozen Mashed Potatoes - "Just like the real thing!"...yep, people who would buy their mash like that must be super lazy I reckon! (and LOL to RB!!)

The Dotterel said...

We've got a long way to go before the credit crunch really bites, haven't we?

KAZ said...

If I use those Detox footpads - can I drink as much as I like and wake up without a hangover?

Thanks Mr Walmart.

Brother Tobias said...

This is great observation! Next time I go to town it'll be with a new cynical eye.

teeni said...

Walmart = evil. Those products and your commentary are pretty funny though. ;) The personal ovulation microscope? I think that must be a real pain to use. Literally. :shock:

garfer said...

Those microwave quarter pounds would probably work as detox footpads.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Nota Bene - thanks for dropping by - I'm sure your nan will be knitting a nice cosy for her ovulation microscope in no time and it will go down (or up) a treat this Christmas!

Steve, mine would join you if it could work out the code on the big pasty belt padlock I am encumbered to wear.

Steerforth I don't think the denizens of my local Asda have been walking upright for long either. I am 5'9" and you are right, it is a bit like walking around Lilliput, though the most entertaining of superstores in many ways. Probably the detox pads are glorified odour eaters.

LucyFishWife - I should shut my Grandmother up with the gift of a personal ovulation microscope this Christmas like nota bene above if I were you! I'd imagine the science is decidedly niffy, er iffy, re the detox foodpads.

Moi - all the jokes about dire British cuisine are true, or at least used to be until recently when all the migrants raised both the variety and quality of food available, aided by a plethora of television chefs who came to prominence and showed us what colour food should be and that it didn't have to taste of cardboard! In Oxford we have a lot of eateries doing faux continental food - until recently - badly, but things seem to be improving now.

RB - you are so right, one could easily lose something that *isn't* fat via the Body Fat monitor (or indeed the whole body by mistake!) So you won't cross the threshold of Asda even for a spotted dick? I don't think I've seen them anywhere else these days, though I'm more of a sticky toffee pudding girl myself!

Frozen mashed potatoes Sagittarian? And do you have Smash in NZ as well (rehydrated potato powder that you add boiling water to to create mashed potatos?) And don't get me started on Pot Noodles - they're not in any Food Group I've heard of, let's put it that way.

Dotterel - I think you may have hit upon a valid new measurement of the credit crunch actually - if all goods become reduced to No Thrills and I'm stuck for blogging material, things'll be dire indeed!

Kaz I think you should volunteer yourself to the company producing detox foodpads as a guinea pig now - in return for all you can drink obviously!

BT - are you taking up the cudgels of my meme challenge perchance?

Teeni, I know nothing about Walmart except they used to sell ammo for handguns and Micheal Moore had a big protest against them. But no hand guns have sprung up in the aisles of Asda yet (not owned by their security guards that is ;-))

Garfer, you're not wrong there!