Monday, 6 October 2008

Is There Anybody There?

The other week I indulged a longtime idle curiosity to find out if there was anything for 'afters' as it were, and purchased a Ouija board for £7.99 on eBay.

It arrived a couple of days later.

My friend and I read the instructions and tried it that weekend.

After declaring the board 'open' and politely asking - 'is there anyone nice out there who wishes to communicate with either of us?' we waited,

and waited.

and waited.

Nothing.

We repeated the request, alternately staring at the planchette our fingertips rested on, the lighted candles, and each other, until it became embarrassing.

Eventually I asked 'is there anybody there at all who would like to communicate with either myself or Terry?'

Zip.

Not a sausage.

Proof positive that there is no life after death.

I am seeking a refund. (for the Ouija board as well).

Though upon reflection, perhaps asking if 'any body' was there
was the wrong question! Or perhaps an ethernet search is as exacting as an internet search. Or maybe I just don't know enough dead people.

20 comments:

Betty said...

Was there any sort of guarantee with the ouija board? If not, you could be on shaky ground with regards to getting a refund ( ... Nicky Campbell writes ... )

Perhaps the person who put it up on eBay had a similar lack of response.

Rol said...

I'm reminded of the Morrissey song (when am I not reminded of a Morrissey song?) where he asks a similar question of his ouija board, only to receive the reply...

S...T...E...V...E...N...

P...U...S...H...O...double F

Jeremy Dennis said...

It works better, I hear if you are perhaps a little bit drunk, or overtired.

Or if there are more than two of you (five to seven is considered about right -- too many, and it just becomes silly).

Of course it works best of all, if you are a group of about five to seven slightly giggly teenagers who ought to have been in bed hours ago.

Although you should probably check which genre you're in first.

Steerforth said...

I sincerely hope there is no such thing as life after death.

I can't think of anything more boring than living forever.

teeni said...

This was funny for me to read as I wouldn't have at all taken you to do this kind of thing with the Ouija board. I've never heard of anything good coming of them. I just find it funny that they are sold as "games," when their only purpose is supposedly to be contacting the dead. ;)

The Sagittarian said...

Obviously you got stiffed on your purchase. Tee hee.

Nota Bene said...

I heard of some Italians who tried to sue God...they failed because the court didn't have an address to serve the papers. If you could solve the address issue, I think you should go for it...

Mrs. G. said...

I don't think you were drunk enough.

Steve said...

I'm afraid I was holding a party - all the dead were over at my place getting down and boogying. Oh no, sorry, that was my place of work...

KAZ said...

Really Laura - a bit of cardboard and a few candles. You're not really trying.
What about Hypnosis, Levitation or Cryptozoology?

Amateur!!!

Eddie 2-Sox said...

You're right, it's bollocks. When you're dead, you're dead. Then you're either burned or you decompose.

Brother Tobias said...

You should have got one of the new ones, with predictive text and a knock-tone.

Lucy Fishwife said...

There have to be at least 4 of you. You have to be drunk. And have just finished reading everybody's Tarot cards. And have just done that foldy paper thing ("Pick a colour. R-E-D. Pick a number. One, two, three. You love... Donny Osmond!!!"). And have a face-pack on, preferably curlers as well, and those pyjamas designed specially for Staying Up With Girls And Not Going To Bed in. And even then, bloody Emma pushes the planchette around so it says "You are fat".

Wisewebwoman said...

I hope this comment sticks, Laura, My last few on your other good postings I now see vapourized or go where Ouija boards fear to tread :)
You have to set the mood for the board, exchange some creepy stories, light many candles, breathe in silence for a long time. Is there anyone there? is a good start. (said with the right degree of moaning and sighing, of course.). Atmosphere, just like presentation, is everything.
XO
WWW

Steve said...

You need Yvette Fielding and Derek Acorah for a proper real ghostie seance... sned out the invites now.

Reluctant Blogger said...

Well, if I were dead (and yes, I feel a bit that way today) I might go back and visit all my old haunts once out of interest but I'd be bloody horrified if I found a whole load of people sitting around waiting for me, without a drink ready for me to sup. I really think that the dead would rather pop out when you are doing something embarrassing rather than when you are sat expectantly round a ouija board.

Such a funny image - the pair of you sat there waiting!

The Dotterel said...

My sister has just done a series for the Yorkshire Post called 'Haunted Leeds' in which they spent the night in six of the most likely places to be haunted in the company of a medium, some guy off the telly and a camera crew. And they found...

DONN COPPENS said...

Did you forget to drink 9 cups of strong coffee and smoke a huge joint beforehand?

((Sheesh))

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Betty good point. I may well have gone past the customary 14 days in terms of customer refund. Actually it was brand new.

Rol funny you should say that, guess what happens if you type in Ouija boards on eBay? A Morrissey version comes up no less! Not to mention Ouija pendants and earrings (earrings???)

Jeremy - welcome and thanks for the helpful advice. Well I'm naturally tipsy and teenage even if I don't drink and am no longer under 20.

Steerforth - I'm counting on there being an afterlife if only to ever get through the unread book mountain in my house - it's alright for you fast readers out there. Ok, and it would be kinda fun to spook a few people and walk around the place when I shouldn't!

Teeni - I do respect your views but since JC himself didn't just communicate, but actually rose from the dead, I'm afraid I've never thought it was terribly naughty to try and get in touch with Great Aunt Dot, providing Great Aunt Dot is there and wishes to be communicated with. And I have rather naughtily from my late teens always enjoyed going to see mediums doing shows, if only for the entertainment value. However you'll be reassured to know that even this open mind does have a door on it and is SO not interested in invoking any force darker than Great Aunt Dot.

Sagitarrian - tee hee! Someone's on form today!

Nota Bene - I think you've hit upon the way forward there. Unless the BG has signed up with the Mailing Preference service to as not to receive unsolicited mail that is!

Mrs G - you are probably right.

That explains it Steve - though you are naughty to slag off work now that you know your colleagues are following your blogging career. If you're not careful they may start playing up and creating chaos to get a mention! People will do anything for fame these days (well I know I would!)

Cryptozoo-what Kaz?? I can see you're a seasoned professional here - I'll be on the next train North for a consultation.

Eddie-2-Sox - come out the other side and say that!

BT - I will call it at TombFoneWarehouse pronto - what a capital idea! Or perhaps you sell them BT...?

Worringly you are not the first to mention a proliferation of the other type of spirits LucyFishWife, but I wanted to contact the dead, not Pink Elephants!

Great advice WWW - perhaps our experiment lacked enough spiritual foreplay. By the by, I can still see all your previous posted comments on my blog and can assure you I have not deleted any - that is a mystery!

Steve - Derek Acorah is the biggest hypocrite of all psychics!

RB - well do post a quick posting via the *ethernet* when you arrive on the other side and I'm sure all your blogging friends (if I'm still around myself) can meet up and salute you with the necessary toast! And of course those of us who are already there will also welcome you with a big party!

Dotterel - I'm so jealous - I'd love to do one of those haunted nights/weekends in an old building. However my limited disposable income always seems to have higher priorities!

Donn Coppens - well I could but I wouldn't want to meet the spliff version of Pink Elephants either! More your line of critter!

Wandering Jay said...

I heard accounts of spirits who are neither "here" nor "there", those souls not knowing why they are still wandering in the spirit world, a sort of drunken-stage if that is the right word.