Sunday, 7 March 2010

Everyone Wants A Relationship With Me

Apparently customer service managers in banks are now known as Customer Relationship Managers. Conversely it's getting harder to google products and services without being required to 'register' on every website - a surefire way of scaring this potential customer away, unless the product is truly unavailable anywhere else (having first ruled out locally, in real life).
Which got me to thinking, how come the semantics get fancier and the customer commitment demanded gets higher as the service gets worse?

Shopping Around

I don’t want a relationship with my car insurer
I don’t want a relationship with my car rescuer
I don’t want a relationship with my zero interest bank
I don’t want a relationship with my patchy reception mobile phone company
I don’t want a relationship with my 1.5mbps home internet provider
I don’t want a relationship with my council tax department, gas provider or electricity supplier
I don’t want a relationship with my local supermarket
I don’t want a relationship with the company currently doing the best price
on Canon printer inks
I don’t want a relationship with the local Police
Or the fashion emporium I ordered one ill-fitting bra from five years ago.
I don't want a relationship with all the companies I've NEVER bought anything from, who won't take 'Unsubscribe' for an answer.
I particularly don’t want a relationship with the Union which sold me down the river when I was made redundant, but who won’t accept that our relationship is over.
A pox on your endless unsolicited newsletters lovingly e-mailed and mailed to me
Your advertising incontinence spilling out of magazines, leaving only glossy covers
And your multi-ways spreading my intimate details to all and sundry on the net, despite my wishes, the Data Protection Act, rampant identity theft and an imploding environment of mailshot waste.
Just call me a commitmentphobe
Though you’ve got to admit, the sex is pretty rubbish too,
And you’re always cheating on me with new customers
Showering them with all your gifts and favours, though here's news for you
For I've started cheating on you too
When you can't keep me satisfied
And my loyalty is rewarded with contempt in your eyes
I surf for new consumer partners who might add value and adore
And give me the customer servicing that has me coming back for more
For shopping is voting and I'm getting cannier who I elect
When I select.
One day, I'm hoping there will be wedding bells
When I find the company who offers lifelong heaven without any added hell
Meantime I think my local MP wants to sever his relationship with me
Making him work so hard on my behalf for his salary.

©LS King 2010


Steve said...

What gets me is when I give these people money for their services... aren't they prostitutes? That's not a great relationship for anybody. And I feel so dirty afterwards.

Duchess said...

Well, now, I think I might like a relationship with all these people. If they loved me, maybe they would treat me better.

In the meantime, sometimes you can have real relationships with their representatives. Try asking the call centre employees an off the script question and see what happens.

Wisewebwoman said...

I'm not lonely enough either Laura to start messing with these begging buggers. Too rich for my taste and no sooner do you commit then they start the betrayal.

What totally yellows my mellow though is what they offer new prospects vs the old steadfast spouse at home who pays all the bills.


Nota Bene said...

Ah it's always sad when a relationship is all one way...brilliant piece...


The Sagittarian said...

Oh fabjous poem, loved it! You are uber clever, far too good for these economic prossies by far!!!

teeni said...

Wow. Thank you for writing this. I am in total agreement with this post. All those entities do NOT require a relationship or any of the personal info they want of me in order for me to do business with them. All they should really need is my payment. Period. And I still hate when they refer to me by name like we are old pals. Grrr.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

You and me both Steve!

Duchess - wow you know how to have fun. Don't tell me you married a call centre operative!

WWW - you're a hard woman. Good on you!

Thanks Notabene. Quite.

Sagittarian, you are too kind. Sadly the economic prossies are still richer than me. I must be going wrong somewhere.

Teeni, they'll be so upset you don't want their friendship! They might even offer you extra money off to love them!