In the early naughties, US legal eagles were predicting that inter-colleague dating would soon become subject to company 'pre-date agreements', to avert the possibility of litigation when things went wrong and prevent abuse of boss/subordinate power, or even banned altogether! Although things have gone somewhat quiet since, the debate, plus the fact of our society becoming ever more litigious generally, inspired this piece.
Dating 2012
Nicholas Luton Rainbird, you have been arrested and brought to this station on suspicion of subjecting Rebecca Catherine Morris to a ‘bad’ date.
You are hereby charged that on the 14th July 2012 you did fail to book tickets in advance for the Welsh National Opera’s La Traviata, with the result that you had to buy standby tickets for Anne Diamond sings Mike Reid at the Hippodrome.
This was not the date she assented to.
In addition, Ms Morris alleges that you were late picking her up, had not valetted the car for months, played Morrisey on the CD player against her will, and had to try three car parks before you found a parking space.
She furthermore cites that you failed to pre-book a table. Consequently the Aberdeen Steak House was the only restaurant that would accommodate you both, and Ms Morris was unable to hold anything down past the starter.
You caused Ms Morris great sartorial embarrassment owing to your dodgy haircut and choice of formal wear ie: grubby Nike trainers and an I Love Price Waterhouse Coopers t-shirt, and went on to exceed your legal quota of football talk by 40% and work talk by 63.5%, culminating in a 20-minute monologue about the late arrival of a plumber.
Moreover, you did fail to compliment Ms Morris on her outfit, notice her expensive new haircut or make a single romantic overture towards her all evening, thereby undermining her femininity and self-esteem as an attractive and desirable woman.
It is my duty to inform you that Ms Morris intends to press charges for the emotional distress caused to her on the aforesaid evening, and recover costs from you for the wasted outfit, haircut and her valuable time, not to mention the ten sessions of therapy she has needed for post traumatic stress disorder.
Have you anything to say for yourself?
Take him down Officer.
©LS King 2003
6 comments:
Considering the clothing and lame haircut, BOOK HIM!
In my defence, m'lud - if she didn't like the Morrissey... I'm better off out of it.
Didn't she read the small print disclaimer? The male excepts no responsibility for misapprehensions and misassumptions that the female may engender at any given point of the date, the pre-date banter and the post date fall-out. This is industry standard.
I agree - she should have looked for the British Standard kite mark in his eyes!
I've made that mistake myself. :-)
Gawd, have worked in a place where the fall out from an "Interoffice Interlude (Inter lewd?)" was positively nuclear. Don't screw the crew; Never get your honey where you get your money; ETC
Or 'don't get laid where you get paid' as our cross-the-pond cousins so quaintly put it Amanda!
I once worked in a bank where a very camp early-twenties colleague decided to shack up with our gay 55year old boss within a week of starting.
The gay boss then proceeded to shower his young ganymede with expensive gifts including a Mercedes and swift promotion which his young lover lorded over the rest of us. A great working atmosphere ensued! However I left before finding out whether either had got in trouble with the bank yet.
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