Thursday, 8 May 2008

Nothing Better to Do With My Life

I know it's my own fault for being addicted to makeover shows (much though they tend to act as wallpaper while tapping on my laptop), but do you ever see something on TV that makes you experience a 'Whoops, wrong planet!' moment.

I mean make-up for BREASTS??? for example?

The day I apply make-up to my d├ęcolletage is the day I book in for a sex-change and give up trying to be female altogether! Writer Shirley Conran once famously declared 'Life is too short to peel a mushroom!' Yet day-by-day it seems we females are getting suckered into becoming total body prisoners to a relentless tyranny of unsustainable, unaffordable, (mostly useless), high maintenance, beauty and health regimes, all of which are being railroaded through our sub and waking consciousness via the devious means of our own insecurities as 'essential', and even normal, to the extent that eventually it will probably become abnormal not to have that fortnightly Botox injection/Brazilian, and the woman who resists will be a freak or social outcast.

To get back to basics, try going into your local pharmacy to buy a no-nonsense all-purpose moisturiser. They scarcely exist any more. Instead you will find a dizzying array of day creams, night creams, elevensies creams. And not just single products either but whole ranges of each product for each part of the body, one set for each skin type/tone/age, one set for anti-aging, one set for pro-aging (?), one set with SPF's in, one set with 'pentipeptides' one set with Q10 in etc etc - and none of them cheap. And that's not to mention all the strange serums, skin glazes, shimmers, misters and body blacmanges (?) that abound for who knows what purpose. Such expeditions have been known to leave me seriously depressed, often exiting the store empty-handed.

It is only a matter of time until whole nations of females are rendered housebound as their beauty regimes do not permit them time to leave their homes any longer and they must get up before they go to bed to find time for it all.

Needless to say fake tans and wrestling with foundation every morning are not my idea of fun either, so I don't. If I'm honest it's all I can do to keep the leg leylandi down and abide by the law of cleanse, tone and moisturise.
And you guys complain about shaving???

But to return to mammary make-up - doesn't the very concept suggest that women are baring way too much these days? (ie exposing their d├ęcolletage to the extent that it then needs make-up to disguise the sun damage)? The most ironic thing was that after they'd finished with the latest victim in this week's How to Look Naked, the make-up actually made her previously normal-if-modest breasts look saggy with all the extra 'shadow' in between, rather than pert! No thanks.

19/5/08 OMG! On this week's 'How to Look Good Naked' they covered FULL BODY MAKE-UP for the beach and PUBIC HAIRDRESSING! Shoot me now!


Anonymous said...

Make up for breasts????? Well, well.

I agree re the obsession with personal grooming. It is one thing I really hate - people who fuss around for hours before they can bear (or is it bare?) to be seen in public? It makes me very irritable. And mostly they don't look any better after all their efforts either.

I only use an aqueaous cream (meant for eczema) as a moisturiser and it is really really cheap. I do generally wear make-up but very little. And I am lucky in that I don't have hairy legs (bald legs are weird but convenient).

All the plastic surgery/anti-age stuff makes me feel a bit sad to be honest. I am quite happy to look my age and would not go down that route.

Breast makeup indeed! The mind boggles.

Brother Tobias said...

Every attempt at liberation seems to tie people down more. Surgery has become an unneccessary norm. Now the industry is trying to persuade men that they should wax and moisturize too. Tyranny! (Sorry; this was meant to be agreement, not a rant).

lucyfishwife said...

One of the very very few advantages of being the kind of pallid pasty ginge I am is that I rarely have to bother with all the legshaving shenanigans - I need to be fully swathed in protective veiling and factor 60. My preferred summer wear would be a burka.
Laura - just had a great idea for another taggy meme thang - "Books I wasted several hours of my life reading and wish I hadn't bothered." ..? I've got LOADS.

Rol said...

Excellent, I got here before Steve.

I await his comment with much joy...

teeni said...

That's going a bit too far with the chest makeup. I do wear makeup, some out of habit from when I was younger and enjoyed playing with the stuff and some because I am overly self conscious about my looks after chemotherapy treatment. But I totally agree that things are getting too ridiculous and that the trend towards wearing less clothes and more makeup is putting too much undue pressure on people to be artificial and to be artificially enhanced.

moi said...

Showing too much boob also exposes one's decolletage to too much sun, making of the neck and chest quite a nice expanse of rawhide. Yee haw.

As for facial creams, this I know from my investigative reporting years. The best thing for your skin is a non-greasy SPF of 15 or higher, which also includes a few antioxidants, some binders, and humectants. Fuggedabout $200 La Mer; you can get the same stuff in a $10 tube of Neutrogena.

Old Fogey said...

Once women were tied to the kitchen. Now it's the bathroom. I could sort of understand the kitchen deal -there was a meal at the end of it. Shaving for men is no comparison. We hate it but once done, a splash of aftershave and we are ready to face the world. No further improvement necessary.

KAZ said...

It's ridiculous - I often feel guilty for not trying hard enough.
I wouldn't answer the door without mascara - but when it comes to the hard work - forget it.
I live in a student area and those young women are so stunning no one notices me amyway.

Steve said...

Rol, you have entirely the right idea about me. I was merely going to point out that no sane man alive would approve of breast make-up. "Don't touch, darling, you'll smudge my breast-liner" is not something a man ever wants to hear.

Rol said...

Ah, Steve, I knew you wouldn't let me down.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

RB, you don't know how lucky you are to evidently be a natural beauty - though the 'natural look' takes longest of all! Having said that I try not so spend longer than 20 mins in the bathroom and half of that is showering/teeth brushing!

Brother Tobias - ah but think how aerodynamic you will become.

LucyFishWife, fellow redhead, doesn't work for me - still need to shave the legs alas! Re the book meme suggestion, I don't think I would even remember what bad books got slung out pretty quickly - I tend to delete them from the memory bank pretty quickly too!

Rol, you wag!

Teeni, it's quite all right to wear a bit of make-up. I do myself and think everyone should make an effort to look their best (not to be confused with unadulterated vanity!) And in your case, you have even more right to - I do hope you are ok now.

Moi, thanks for the tip, I'll certainly try it. You are right about the sun wrinkling the neck/chest area in particular and that people should be careful.

Old Fogey - a 'wash 'n' go' body has always been my dearest dream. Sadly I wasn't given one, much though I try and minimise my bathroom time as previously mentioned and resolutely refuse to take on extra maintenance of the decolletage variety!

Kaz, I don't feel dressed without my mascara either - as for all the young girls walking around - luckily they all dress so badly I still receive the odd batted eyelid!

Steve, quite right!

Anonymous said...

All I can say is as a Welsh boy, we love the valley of Cleavage.
Always keep a welcome on that particular hillside.

Sid James is not dead. He lives through me.

Big Al x