Monday, 29 September 2008

The End of The Affair...

'I've told you, it's over'

'Is there nothing we can do to change your mind?'

'No'

'It's nothing that we've done…?'

'Look, you don't phone, you don't e-mail, you only write to enclose narcissistic jargon-filled leaflets about how wonderful you think you are - for years and years. And now four phonecalls in as many hours. Why the sudden interest, especially when your interest was previously dropping like a stone?'

'We just want you to be happy in the relationship. Perhaps you weren't taking advantage of all that we could offer. Perhaps we can offer more.'

'You mean like a higher interest rate?'

'Now let's not be hasty here. We gave you a bankety bank cheque book and pen and offered you a Treats Plus account'

'Oh the one for £20-a-month with all the free cr*p I was never going to use - the one you automatically 'upgraded' me to without my written authority…? Wasn't that illegal anyway?'

'The ombudsman found us merely ill-advised I think you'll find. But that's water under the bridge now - there's really no need to cheat on us with another bank. But we're prepared to overlook that.'

'Can I come back as a New Customer and get the free laptop?'

'Hmmm, we'd have to see. Might prove a tad unethical'

'I dunno, I'm just not getting fiscal satisfaction. I don't feel you value me.'

'Well the blunt truth is you're only a medium-value added customer madam - to any bank - not just us. But if you could just break through the £25k a year income barrier - you could qualify as one of our Premium Pewter customers.'

'What's in it for me?'

'The satisfaction of knowing you're with one of the last British banks standing on its own two feet. And a pewter paperclip pyramid.'

'So I'd have to take on an extra evening job to get a pewter paperclip pyramid'

'And a matching pewter Tutankhamun pen'

'Sorry but my mind is made up. I'm leaving you'

'Do you mind telling us who for?'

'My water company as it happens. They're offering me a higher interest current account, a lower interest mortgage and all the water I can drink. Oh and marriage, an iPod and a baby.'

'You mean those fifteen years we spent together meant nothing to you - what happened to customer loyalty madam?'

'Quite'

14 comments:

Rol said...

Yeah, and in the midst of all this, we're trying to get a mortgage!

Madness!

moi said...

Banks? We don't need no stinkin' banks. Pull all yer cash out and take one day a month to buy a bunch of money orders to pay your bills. Keep the rest under your mattress. Wait for the end of the world. Use remainder as kindling.

Viva la Revolucion.

teeni said...

Oh, so funny to read this way but so true. It doesn't seem like banks are doing anybody any good these days.

Brother Tobias said...

We've been together too long, Natasha West and I. We know each other's faults and foibles, even if we never talk anymore. There's no love left, but we've been seduced by inertia. I'd leave, but I'm suspect no one else would have me, now my best years are over, and I'm afraid to be alone.

Dan said...

BRILLIANT post! I had this with Natasha's Advantage Gold (Tobias, I was the other man) - also, so funny on this "convergence" culture which basically means everyone trying to offer the same things, no matter whether it makes sense to or not...

Mrs. G. said...

The mattress is starting to make sense.

Can Bass 1 said...

It always has for some of us, dear!

The Sagittarian said...

Good to know that banks are the same world over (altho' its doubtful I would want to BE a bank right now)

KAZ said...

Excellent post - but having just spent over an hour shouting at HBOS on the phone - I really wanted some distraction from the subject:0)

Still, I never say no to a bit of empathy.

Steve said...

A "pewter paperclip pyramid"...?! Duncan Ballantyne would do his nut!

Reluctant Blogger said...

Well gold ingots are the thing, aren't they - but horribly lumpy under the mattress. Um, I'm sure there's a satirical take on The Princess and the Pea just waiting to be written here actually.

Didn't think anyone could make me laugh about the credit crunch but you just did.

Donn Coppens said...

I read about an Economist's recent, stunning, discovery of an entire Village in Africa where they use Cash and you can't purchase anything until you can pay for it.

My Word how painfully Primitive.

Wandering Jay said...

15 years of banking relationship is a long time to spawn a goblin named credit, creating a new one will take years of love-hate relationship again, and it seems everybody is buying each other to keep them afloat nowadays, i hope you find a stable and fair institution to house all your banking needs, and that includes all the perks, of course, ipod, free pens and all the what-have-you's.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Sorry Rol! I do hope they'll be offering you 30% extra free mortgage soon though. It can only be a matter of time until the last Bank standing collaborates with the last Estate Agent standing to get the last buyer's first foot on the ladder!

Moi, it makes you wonder if the United Bank of Mattress would really lose you money in the long run...

Thanks Teeni! As I was saying to Moi above...

Natasha West is a scarlet harlot of fiscalry who would sell her own grandmother! Don't buy her lies that another bank would never find you attractive - that's just her ploy to keep you where she wants you - aka under her thumb and at the mercy of her waning interest rate.

Cheers Dan - you're a pal! No, really!

Difficult in a pocket-sprung mattress though Mrs G, one can really only secrete one's coins effectively!

Can Bass 1 - sshhhh Felicia may be listening!

Sagittarian - you mean comforting or depressing to know that banks treat customers like cr*p the world over...?

Kaz. Shouting at HBOS? A woman after my own heart - go gettum girl!

Steve, it may yet come to desperate appearances with crap products in the Dragon's Den the way my finances are going.

Thanks RB - I haven't considered the gold bar option. Perhaps if I melt down my pewter pyramid & pen and speak to my friend Paul the alchemist. Mind you Paul's hardly rich himself - I kinda question his expertise on the subject! Great idea about the Princess and the Pea - but I won't nick it!

Donn - where IS that sensible village? And does it have a cashpoint?

Thank you for your well-wishing Wandering Jay. I've been wishing for a few wishing wells myself lately. Perhaps that could be option 2 for a financially secure future next to the United Bank of Mattress.