'I've told you, it's over'
'Is there nothing we can do to change your mind?'
'It's nothing that we've done…?'
'Look, you don't phone, you don't e-mail, you only write to enclose narcissistic jargon-filled leaflets about how wonderful you think you are - for years and years. And now four phonecalls in as many hours. Why the sudden interest, especially when your interest was previously dropping like a stone?'
'We just want you to be happy in the relationship. Perhaps you weren't taking advantage of all that we could offer. Perhaps we can offer more.'
'You mean like a higher interest rate?'
'Now let's not be hasty here. We gave you a bankety bank cheque book and pen and offered you a Treats Plus account'
'Oh the one for £20-a-month with all the free cr*p I was never going to use - the one you automatically 'upgraded' me to without my written authority…? Wasn't that illegal anyway?'
'The ombudsman found us merely ill-advised I think you'll find. But that's water under the bridge now - there's really no need to cheat on us with another bank. But we're prepared to overlook that.'
'Can I come back as a New Customer and get the free laptop?'
'Hmmm, we'd have to see. Might prove a tad unethical'
'I dunno, I'm just not getting fiscal satisfaction. I don't feel you value me.'
'Well the blunt truth is you're only a medium-value added customer madam - to any bank - not just us. But if you could just break through the £25k a year income barrier - you could qualify as one of our Premium Pewter customers.'
'What's in it for me?'
'The satisfaction of knowing you're with one of the last British banks standing on its own two feet. And a pewter paperclip pyramid.'
'So I'd have to take on an extra evening job to get a pewter paperclip pyramid'
'And a matching pewter Tutankhamun pen'
'Sorry but my mind is made up. I'm leaving you'
'Do you mind telling us who for?'
'My water company as it happens. They're offering me a higher interest current account, a lower interest mortgage and all the water I can drink. Oh and marriage, an iPod and a baby.'
'You mean those fifteen years we spent together meant nothing to you - what happened to customer loyalty madam?'