Wednesday, 24 December 2008

A Christmas Poem

The Wrong Chestnuts

Raffling colleagues off in the Christmas slave auction again
Though on alternate years musical chairs pick office affairs
And spin the bottle makes things go with a swing
When bottoms up are done full-colour photocopying

And lest we not forget those less fortunate than we
Barclays, Lloyds, Nat West, Abbey…
Our borrowing can save a bank this year
Our spending can save a High Street's cheer

'Tis the season to be jolly, joyful and redundant
Pretence of plenty and goodwill to all men in abundance
Forget the Messiah
Let's hear it for Mariah
All she wants for Christmas is yoooooou

The sprouts are alive to The Sound of Music
Another Freesia bath set - you'll never use it.
A Christmas Carol Vorderman makes her speech to the nation
She's got Queenie's job - it's an abomination!
It's a scream fest on Emmerdale, Corrie, EastEnders
Then a live murder in Pop Goes The X Factor
Call post-pudding to vote for your favourite killer.

Tox up and max out - pay nothing 'til the January after
Kids ignore ruinous presents to play with the boxes and paper
Take Two Ronnies with food three times a day
Warning: May Cause Drowsiness
Then it's The Great Escape but Batteries are Not Included
Groundhog Christmas, National Lampoon and Scrooged

Shop zero day comes but once a year
We raise a glass with shop-bought cheer
To Prince Albert, who invented presents and trees
And that bloke who inspired the nativity

We might know Santa's an advert for Coca Cola
Who take a secret cut from each mall Grotto turnover
But somehow the Christmas magic survives
Unlike 20.5 revellers per region who won't emerge alive

© Laura King 2008

For all the cynicism in the above poem, the only Christmas song that can reduce me to tears in the middle of Tesco, cheesy I know - but she gives it her all!


Steve said...

Justin Heywood's "I Believe In Father Christmas" does it for me... have a great Christmas and a very happy New Year, Laura!

garfer said...

I like 'Two Little Boys' by the grossly underrated Australian songsmith Rolf Harris.

It has about as much to do with Christmas as Jew boy Len's 'Hallelujah'.

I'm starting a campaign for next Christmas.

Happy Christmas btw.

teeni said...

I'm not her biggest fan but I think she did a great job with that song. I also get a kick out of this video with the tall go-go boots! :) Your poem is oh so true.

The Sagittarian said...

I like Fairy Tale of New York. Its almost cynical enough for me! Have a lovely day!

Anonymous said...

Oh God yes, Two Little Boys reduces me to tears too every time I hear it. In fact I think it had some subconscious effect on me because two of my children are called jack and joe.

Merry Christmas, Laura.

I am writing this cowering in a corner in my own house as the boys got remote controlled helicopters from grandma and they are buzzing around like giant mosquitos and they REALLY hurt when they hit my head.


Nota Bene said...

AH how well you sum up the joys of Christmas...I love sprouts and The Sound of

Hope you are basking in a post Christams glow...and enjoying the strange time until the New Year bursts upon us...

The Dotterel said...


Wisewebwoman said...

Great poem, Laura. And best of the season to you!

Wandering Jay said...

It has not been a Santa Coca Cola advert year for me but i've been seeing a lot of cuddly polar bears on red hats and mufflers. Jolly poem. Thanks for sharing. Merry Christmas and Happy 2009, Laura. Peace.

Tessa said...

Terrific poem, Laura. Hope you had a merry Chrimbo despite all and that the New Year will be upward and onward.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Cheers for all the comments folks. Christmas was fine. I hope you all had good ones too.