Monday, 6 September 2010

Letter to Nan

I thought it was time to post a spot of creativity so here is my entry to the Daily Express letter writing competition to win a laptop back in June. Sadly I didn't.

My Dear Nan

Your crocheted iPad cover and matching pashmina arrived yesterday and were the surprise of my birthday. Thank you. The pink and green stripes will go with so many things, if I can wrestle them back off the dog bed that is, as Biscuit promptly snaffled them for herself.
Anyway, how are you, and how are your feet? What did the chiropodist say?
I must say I am concerned that you still seem to be posing as a 14-year-old girl on Facebook. I know it started off as a bit of a laugh, but seriously, you are going to get into trouble luring all these creepy men to their deaths via bogus Beachy Head liaisons, much though we all salute you for trying to keep us safe and only doing what any caring grandmother would. I don't think you can get away with blaming Woofy Banjo for pushing all eight of them off the cliffs though. The Police must suspect something by now. And your latest status update saying 'It's great being 85 - you can get away with murder' is a bit out there, you must admit. I'd hate to see my grandma end up in prison anyway, so I really think you ought to find a new pastime and quickly and it's not too late to enter the Parish Autumn flower show.
I can't help feeling a bit responsible being as it was me who persuaded you to go to that Silver Surfers Session at your local library three years ago. I mean I honestly thought if you bought a computer you'd use it for online Bingo and the odd e-Bay purchase or to Google hernia treatment. Not this.
Then we didn't hear a word from you for six months and found you had emigrated to Second Life to become Princess Di and re-live her life, only this time making Prince Charles look like George Michael and Camilla look like a frog. You always did like your happy endings. The number of times we visited to find you crying over your Royal Wedding tea sets. Well it was heartrending.
It was really great that you started dressing the part and got to open that school, though I think Princess Michael was surprised as she was only stuck on the M40.
If only Grandpa had lived. You were so devoted to him. I remember when he died you couldn't even change a light bulb yourself, and now, well now, it's gone a bit too far the other way if I'm honest. You seem to have lost interest in everything you used to enjoy from Church to the Bowls team. As for that re-wiring you did in the house using Grandad's 1947 Boy's Own Manual. Well it's not very convenient to have to unplug the fridge every time you want to watch the telly is it? And what about that invalidated insurance certificate? You can't leave it, you know.
I must say I was shocked by that Grey-dar dating site link you sent me. I mean lots of them don't even have their FACES on their profiles. Are you sure it's wise? And are you sure a photo of your home made plum jam won't attract the wrong type? Some chancer who just wants someone to play free carer and housekeeper to him for the rest of his life and then leaves it all to his kids anyway, after all his promises?
I know it's your life and I've got to let you make your own mistakes.
But I'm so worried that you're being corrupted by modern technology Nan. You need to keep it real. Besides which I don't like that new Nan you've bought me on E-Grandchild anyway and I don’t care for your new granddaughter either. Just because she's programmed to agree with everything you do, wear everything you knit and never forget to send a thank you letter.
If I can swap shifts next weekend, perhaps I can come up and visit and we can discuss all these issues face to face.
Meanwhile my pager's just gone off. Another jumper at the local railway station. Just time to dash off a suicide note in case there isn't one and I'll jump into the ambulance. I do hate people to waste their lives without a cause as you know. 'My Penalty Charge Notice drove me to it!' at least gives them some honour in death and provides some sense of closure (and less guilt) for their loved ones left behind.

Love and Eccles cakes,

Your concerned granddaughter x

© LS King 2010

9 comments:

Wisewebwoman said...

I'm positively shocked that you didn't win Laura. Such a kind and concerned granddaughter who already had the knitted cover waiting.
Ah well.
As long as you keep following in your grandma's shoes, you should be alright and it does sound like you're already taking the little steps to do so.
She must be so proud of you!
XO
WWW

Tim Footman said...

This was the Daily Express, you say? I suspect they began to be confused at the word “iPad”.

Steve said...

Given the amount of steely eyed silver surfers who regularly use the internet in the local library I suspect your story isn't too far removed from the truth!
And as for not winning... you was robbed!

Nota Bene said...

How did I miss this? Most entertained...

Rol said...

Probably a bit racy and edgy for the Express. I loved it though.

The Sagittarian said...

Loved it, will come back and read it again (can't print it off to read again cos had a bit of an accident with the printer...it kinda fell off the desk) :-)

Oliver said...

Brilliant! Your Nan is the typical Daily Express reader!

The Poet Laura-eate said...

WWW. Thanks for your kind comments. I think she's proud of me in her own way. As I am of her. ;-)

Tim Footman. Thanks for dropping by. You could well be right.

Thanks Steve - I think I was robbed too. :-(

Cheers Notabene. I'm amazed you've found time to catch up, seeing from your own blog how busy you've been lately!

Thanks Rol.

Thanks Sagittaran. Hope those pesky earth tremors stop soon!

Thanks Oliver.

Bose said...

Your blog is one of my "must reads" everyday.

Letters