Tuesday, 17 June 2008

Nightmare on Main Street

The first time I met my neighbours' illicit two year old (she had broken the rules by having him on a child-free development) I looked under the cascade of golden curls expecting to see an angel. What I saw were the glinting malevolent eyes of a devil incarnate. I shuddered. Jakey (Wakey) was no ordinary toddler.

And so it proved. His otherwise pleasant-enough mother was soon to be heard loudly boasting that she had taken him out of his first nursery as it was 'too structured' and she didn't feel it appropriate he should be made to say 'please', 'thank you' and 'sorry', or wait for lunch if he was hungry at his age. As for the activities, it was quite unreasonable that he wasn't allowed to delve into the poster paint without putting the play dough away first. Toddlers weren't meant to be tidy. No, his new nursery was much better. He could just get stuck into whatever he wanted whenever he wanted and do his own thing and they simply changed them into nice clean clothes before the parents arrived.

Soon Jakey (Wakey) was running amok in his (far-more-expensive-than-mine) designer togs on the formerly-quiet estate, tearing up and down the main avenue on his toy tractor delivering his interpretation of tractor exhaust noises at the top of his voice, accompanied by his equally vocal friend on a bicycle, pretending to be a motorbike. At the Residents' Summer Fete, his mummy actively encouraged her little darling to help himself to as many free go's as he liked once his £1 had run out on the lucky dip or the hoopla, in full view of all the visiting children, and then demand to swap his prizes for better ones.

Another delightful pastime of Jakey (Wakeys') entails running around shouting rude things through letter boxes when he should be in bed. Noisy pirate parties take place in his parents' back garden on a weekly basis whether it's his birthday or not, his friends' parents' cars cluttering the narrow residential street so the rest of us find it hard to get in or out of our driveways. To cap it all his parents have decided they need an exceptionally noisy mini bus in which to cart their little prince and his retinue around. Exceptionally noisy as it is almost too large for their driveway and takes at least ten minutes of manoeuvring every time they go in or out, an activity they most enjoy performing at 7am on a weekend, just in case anyone fancies a lie-in.

Although still only 4, Jakey (Wakey) shows every promise of maturing into a fine young thug. Advanced for his age no less. I often wonder what sort of monster his mother-who-doesn't-agree-with-rules thinks she is breeding. Will future partners of her son (straight, gay or don't know) thank her for raising an utterly selfish sociopath with a Royal superiority complex who treats them like a doormat and throws a hissy fit every time he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it? Will future employers thank her for such a self-serving exercise in expediency who would sell their industrial secrets to the first rival who asked, as soon as accept their shilling?

Well that's got that off my chest, dear blog!

I have put out the extra large slug pellets. You never know.

**Note the name of this child has been changed to protect - me!**

18 comments:

lucyfishwife said...

Chiswick is full of the most appallingly badly-behaved little brats imaginable - and ALL of their mothers have somehow conned themselves that bad manners are a sign of incipient genius. There are some lovely pubs with beautiful gardens (sorry, I AM a smoker) where every Sunday without fail you can guarantee that at least two ghastly little horrors will gravitate to your table, uninvited, and start helping themselves to your bread or shouting "BANG BANG" at you. And their parents just smile indulgently as if it's the biggest treat in the world for a hungover adult to be playing unpaid nanny to their spawn.
Sorry, chests are being unburdened right and left here! I DO like many children, my god-kids especially...

nearside said...

Alas, your new site layout is incompatible with Firefox browsers! I will have to dust-down my Internet Explorer hat to come visit...

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Oh dear, I thought I had ironed the gremlins out now. All I did was change my title and background, so I will have to think hard about what could be causing this problem. Thanks for letting me know anyway.

Rol said...

You have my deepest sympathies.

God, I hate evil children.

Reluctant Blogger said...

I still can't view your blog - if you used a full-feed I would be able to see it in Google Reader and then just come here to comment. I read it by clicking on "show original post" in your comment box section so that was fine.

Oooh I do love ranting about horrible children and their irresponsible parents. I see this all the time with children who come round here to play - some of them have no idea of how to behave at all. My children are noisy, dirty and very irritating but I think they do know a few limits and I think their manners are mostly OK (well, not with me especially but outside of the home!).

These days I am very forthright (unpleasant?) with these type of children. I sit them down in a chair and tell them that their behaviour is unacceptable and that we do not behave that way in my house and that if they carry on I will ring their parents and they will go home. And I see it through.

Perhaps Jakey too could be donated to medical science?

Mrs. G. said...

I have a few Jakey Wakeys in my classroom. Sometimes I think about pinching them. That's normal, right?

teeni said...

It's like people with dogs - they all think their dogs will not bite or are so gentle. Which is true maybe for THEM. (Don't get me wrong, I like dogs - just not people, LOL). Anyway, it is sad because in the case of a six year old, the blame can only go to the parents for the way he is allowe to behave.

Steve said...

He sounds atrocious. We need pre-school boot camps where little thugs like this can have their rough edges sanded off... of course, what is really needed is a boot camp for the awful parents. They're the ones most at fault. However, the way Jakey is going... they'll get their just desserts as soon as he hits his teens (and starts hitting them).

lucyfishwife said...

Steve - I completely agree. A child only knows the manners it gets taught, and in so many cases I see kids behaving abominably because their parents are ignoring them and they want their attention, or learning to be rude to people because of the way their mother treats the au pair.

urko said...

Are you familiar with the work of Warren Zeavon? I suggest you might enjoy "Excitable Boy" from the eponymous Album, if you haven't/don't already.

I wish to add my voice the chorus of Firefox complaint - some of us have beards and use pocket calculators to surf the net you know! (actually not correct in either particular, but I can't use Internet Explorer as I use Ubuntu)

Wisewebwoman said...

Oh I'm with you, Laura. My daughter and son-in-law were raising this princess of a little brat so when she came to me I instigated what will go down in history as 'grandma's rules' (passed this along to all my grandparent chums) and even though she found it strange to start saying please, thank you and excuse me and sitting in her chair all through the restuarant meal, etc., it actually worked. It helped that I had her in my bootcamp for 10 days a year and a lot of weekends!
She is now quite a charming young lady with absolutely lovely manners. I take complete and full credit as her parents thought rules stifled creativity. Oh please......eye-roll.
Your little horror sounds like he could use a good dose of grandma's rules, or maybe it's too late!!!
Sympathy.
I hate myself for hating kids sometimes when it's the parents...
XO
WWW

The Sagittarian said...

Ah, there are kids like that almost wherever you go these days. I agree, its the aprents who need the rod!! My girls are yes confident and forthright, however they also know please, thank you and offer adults their seats. Sing it with me y'all... R E S P E C T...

The Poet Laura-eate said...

LucyFishWife, it's liberalism with diaorrhea if you ask me (not to mention no foresight re the future). But you are right in your latter comment that it's the parents these kids take their cues from.

Nearside, Urko and RB, my Firefox friends, I have reverted back to boring Blogger background as you will see, which hopefully will address your browser problem with my lovely poetic corderoy-effect background!

Rol, I'm sure you will be careful not to breed any!

RB, I shall be straight round to check your kiddiwinks know their P's and Q's and mind them! However a number of your posts suggest they really might possess wisdom beyond their years in addition to mere precocity, so I'm sure they'll pass muster! Good idea re Jakey (Wakey)

Mrs G - I thought you were a home-schooler! You mean to say your own little darlings might require some pinching?? Dear oh dear.

Teeni, I haven't really come across the bad dog owners, but I'm sure they must be out there. Though at least bad dogs don't turn into hoodies and hang out in gangs on street corners.

Steve, without a shadow of a doubt your two will be raised into anything NOT resembling brats! Keep up the good work! That is the only thought that consoles me that Jakey (Wakey's) over-indulgent parents will also be turned upon in due course.

Urko, I will be sure to check the work of Warren Zeavon's out.

WiseWebWoman - you sound like the perfect grandmother - you should rent yourself out! However I reckon it is perfectly healthy to hate hateful kids. Just a bad idea to act on those feelings, probably!

Sagittarian, another eminently sensible parent. Besides which, a kid has to learn the rules to break them! Much more fun to have something to rebel against! How on earth will the poor things get through teenagehood successfully without stuff to rebel against? Perhaps that is why we have so many 'kidults'

Reluctant Blogger said...

It's a pity you had to change back. I'm sure there must be a way to get your new template to work for Firefox? But it is good to be able to read it easily so thank you for reverting.

You are welcome to inspect my children anytime you wish. You could even borrow them for a few weeks for a more thorough testing if you like. I have my diary ready!!!

urko said...

OK - good news - your blog now works a treat with Firefox. I don't know the full reason in this case, but often the reason stuff works in Internet Explorer is that Microsoft, being Microsoft, ignore web standards that everyone else complies with. They get away with it because of the huge footprint they have. To be fair to them, they are getting better at adopting standards.

Bad news - you used the tautological cliche "revert back" - Lynne Truss would be horrified (so was I)

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Urko, that is bad news indeed.

I shall shoot myself and leave this vale of tears forthwith. Or take an overdose of Biochemical Tissue Salts No. 4.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

RB, thanks but I'll take your word for it that your progeny are being properly brung up!

dougalfish said...

Are you my next door neighbour? (joke!) Just despite my best efforts my own nearly 4 year old is often beyond control. I blame the children he associates with at nursery school and persist with the naughty step.