Friday, 19 September 2008

Trying To Be Venus

Time for a poem I think! Here is a little number from my back catalogue as work is so crazy at the moment (start of academic year), but I hope you enjoy. And doubtless there are plenty of chaps out there similarly afflicted with the desperate-to-please thing - as I used to be!

All The Things I'm Not

I'm not a nag
I'm not a drag
Don't obsess about my weight
Or manipulate
I'm not moody
Uptight or broody
I'm not too bossy
Or loud and brassy
I'm not suspicious
Or overly vicious
Not 'eek' and clingy
Who won't do her own thingy
And I'm not boring
Petty or warring
A chop and changer of mind
Nor the dithering kind
I don't cluck or fuss
Constantly analyse us
Don't drag blokes shopping
Impose lads' night out stopping
Don't demand 'I love yous' on the hour
Or count a man's devotion by the flower
Don't insist on talents in DIY
Issue ultimatums, sulk or cry
Or turn the cricket off.
'Not feminine enough'
He said.

© Laura King

*I have no idea what the book is like by the way - merely stole it to go with the poem!


Rol said...

Priceless, Laura.

Donnnnn said...

Congratulations on not rhyming 'shag' at the beginning...
you're a much stronger person than I.

You sound like a 5 on Maslow's chart and I am insanely jealous.

KAZ said...

Sounds great Laura.
I'd like to hear you read it - when do we get the podcast?

Steve said...

Lovely pay-off at the end, Laura.

Wisewebwoman said...

Great Laura: the story of my life in this poem.

Eddie 2-Sox said...

Where do I find a woman like that? CYSM ticks several of those boxes....

garfer said...

Very Wendy Cope.

That's supposed to be a compliment btw. If I wasn't intending to be complimentary I'd have mentioned Pam Ayers.

teeni said...

I love Kaz's idea of a podcast to hear you read some of your work.

The Sagittarian said...

Haha, love it! Reminds me of good ol' Dot Parker!! Well done.

Anonymous said...

haha yes indeed. Loved it. And it would be great if we could hear you read it or something else. Go on . . . you know you want to.

Hope things quieten down at work soon. I always go down with a cold when all the new students arrive with all their alien germs. I think that when I have to go over to meet them I will wear a mask. Or do you think that might be a bit off-putting?

Can Bass 1 said...

My word! How lucky Mr Laura-eate must be.

The Dotterel said...

How's your application for the Motion vacancy?

Dan said...

A classic!

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Thank you Rol.

Donnnnn - I try not to go for the cheap shot every time - I'll never get to be a number 5 on Maslow's chart else - thanks for the lovely compliment by the way! One aspires to the higher echelons of the food chain at least!

Kaz thanks for the podcast prod & Teeni thanks for the second podcast prod - my friend and I are experimenting with YouTube and a vid camera as we speak so I may even be reciting in glorious technocolour before long (though I'll never catch up with you in the techno stakes Teeni!)

Thanks Steve - it's curious but punchlines seem to be my strength - no idea why.

WWW - isn't it always the way that the harder you try to please someone and mould yourself into what they think you should be the quicker they go off you?

Eddie - alas cloning has some way to go yet! I do apologise!

Thanks Garfer - though lest it not be forgotten that Pam Ayres is our most successful living poet who does indeed earn a LIVING by her art and also has a few corkers amidst the more mundane. Therefore I take my hat off to her in many respects.

Now that IS a compliment - thanks Sagittarian!

Thanks RB - a mask around students is no bad thing - just spent the afternoon programming several hundred access cards so they can get through our doors - joy oh joy!

You are too kind CB1. Alas there is no Mr Laura-eate for various complicated reasons, though I am lucky enough to know love in my life.

Dotterel - since my boss assures me that a contract killer can be procured on the streets of London for less than the price of a Corgi-registered plumber, I fear radical steps may be called for to crown me the nation's poet Laureate. I should probably read a few books about Queenie to swat up as well. Mind you might mess up my rating on Maslow's chart (see above)!

Thanks Dan!

Old Fogey said...

Very good indeed! Your love-hate relationship with men is at the back of this, of course - I'm not a nag, I'm not bossy, or count man's devotion by the flower (excellent). I was much relieved with your line about not dragging him off shopping - a personal terror. You show deep understanding of the male psyche - too deep for your own good.

Wandering Jay said...

Don't demand 'I love yous' on the hour - o god, by the time next hour comes, love has a taste of saliva stucked in the throat already. Fun poem to read, thanks for sharing Laura.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

I ought to point out Old Fogey and Wandering Jay that the ex in question did not actually say I was 'not feminine enough' but it was kind of implied that the things that annoyed him the most about females were actually the things he responded to in them. Plus gave him a reason to have a go at them I guess, so he was a bit lost when he wanted to rant at me! I thought it was fun revenge to write a poem about all my feminine inadequacies inverted though. Sadly I don't think he reads this blog!