Wednesday, 10 October 2007

I Was Locked in a Cupboard For Longer Than You!

I thought I'd share with you a sneak preview of my forthcoming misery memoir - 'I was Locked In A Cupboard For Longer Than You!'

In it I will shockingly reveal how my parents abused me by;

.Forcibly strapping me to a 'pushchair' and restraining me with 'baby reins' until I was three, not to mention unlawfully imprisoning me in a 'playpen' whilst they abandoned me, to do the washing up or make a phone call.
  • Force-feeding me liquid carrots and other disgusting mushy foodstuffs between the ages of six months and one year.
  • Deliberately humiliating me in that ridiculous garb known as a 'nappy' and dressing me in embarrassing home knitwear with mittens sewn onto the sleeves, topped off with mismatched bobble-hats.
  • Forbidding me from running around in restaraunts and annoying other diners.
  • Forcing me to potty train and take baths while they watched, claiming I'd 'missed a bit' and assaulting me with a loofah.
  • Unplugging the phone every time I attempted to call the Police for help.
  • Cruelly depriving me of dessert until I'd eaten my greens.
  • Sadistically claiming there was no Santa Claus or Tooth Fairy.
  • Refusing to buy me a television for my bedroom.
  • Making me attend a state penitentiary every day which they called 'school' and insisting I do 'homework' every afternoon before I was allowed to watch Blue Peter.
  • Imprisoning me in a dining chair until I was given 'permission' to leave the table.
  • Demanding I go to bed before 10.30pm on a school night.
  • Making me brush my teeth until my gums reddened.
  • Not letting me eat marshmallows for breakfast.
  • Withholding pocket money if I wasn't 'good'.
  • Refusing to buy me designer gear when Angela Gaston had it.
  • Denying me a Gameboy (pathetically they claim these weren't invented before 1989).
  • Confiscating my declaration of undying love to Simon Le Bon before I could find a stamp.
  • Not letting me take the cat up to bed

    These and many more abuses are laid starkly and rawly naked in my no-holds-barred last taboo bestseller-to-end-all-bestsellers ' I Was Locked In A Cupboard For Longer Than You!' - available exclusively from all Wainsburys supermarket outlets and budget flight airport vending machines. The wounds may have healed, but the scars remain festering.
    The ideal pop-up stocking filler for Christmas at only £8.99 or six-for-one multibuy with every packet of coco-pops.

    Photo by

    Rol Hirst said...

    You poor thing.

    Hanging's too good for 'em, etc.

    Jock Coats said...

    Could have been worse. It could have been George Michael.

    resting actor said...

    My parents stopped me smoking at age 5 ,hippocracy... they both smoked, I haven't been the same since.

    The Sagittarian said...

    Oh, do I know how you feel or what!! And it gets worse. For years my folks demanded we do dishes, tidy our rooms, open doors for them, help with ironing and all sorts...NOW when I go visit my mum she insists on making my cuppa tea, won't let me do dishes at all, does my ironing for me...I am confused. When did I become a visitor to my own mum?!! (Love her dearly however and wouldn't change her for anything really)

    Dan Hart said...

    You were horribly denied. I know internet access was available, - heard of Prestel?

    You poor, sad creature. My. Well what about olive oil? Are you telling me you couldn't drizzle that?

    This is a scandal for sure.


    Steve said...

    Hmm. You don't mind if I make a few notes do you...? For future reference...?!

    The Poet Laura-eate said...

    Thanks for all the comments folks. Obviously I don't mean to offend anyone who's been abused far worse than the normal childhood trials and humiliations such as school bullying that most of us have experienced (plus a couple of near-misses with non-family would-be sex offenders in my own case -probably also quite common), just this questionable phenomenon known as the 'misery memoir industry' that now also feeds off victims for the prurient kicks of others, almost consituting a secondary form of 'abuse', although there may be some redemption if the author concerned really does manage to expiate some of their demons and has full editorial control over the final book (plus a LOT of money!)
    But THREE books by Dave Pelzer on his tortuous childhood? Come on now - that's longer than most people's lives! If cynical marketing ploy doesn't come into it somewhere, I'd be very surprised, much though I don't doubt horrendous things happened to him and he should probably get *something* positive out of it.

    As for the more minor 'room tidying' torture Sagittarian, actually that constituted 'rebellion' in my parents' house - being as they are both compulsive hoarders, so somehow I never minded and actually hated living in such a horrible messy house I was too embarrassed to invite friends round. In fact I was the one nagging my parents to tidy *their* rooms!

    The Poet Laura-eate said...

    We did have olive oil Dan and even quite expensive food, just not sofas or VHS or central heating that worked or a fridge or washing machine or shower until I was 12 - as for a computer - well they don't even have one now! It was that kind of eccentric household where nothing worked and nothing was useful (ie towels left you as wet as when you stepped out the bath) and everywhere was messy and dusty and you saw your breath in most rooms they were so cold.

    Three-book deal there, do you reckon?

    Anonymous said...

    Think yourself lucky. My dad breastfed me.

    Big Al

    urko said...

    I was probably locked in a cupboard for longer - but that was my own fault and is another story. Your parents were right about the cat.

    Stefan said...

    Good Job! :)